Comments on: Approval Addiction and Identity

By: Annie Steffen

Annie Steffen — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 22:57:26 +0000

Dear wonderful child,

I don’t want to call you brokensoul even if you are. There is a way in the presence of the Lord ; i’ve been personnaly in this place of grief and hopelessness and Jesus started to heal me when I was 52 after 30 years. Don’t give up, keep pressing on in the intimicay of your beloved Jesus ; he will make the way and bring people to you to help you recovering. I’m still in a process specially regarding my “spiritual progress”; I often feel like nuts in front of some people who say they have big revelation but i know it’s a lie. Jesus loves me in an equal way , not more not less and his other children. Study the word of God and let the spirit impart Truth in your soul. Sorry for my english, i’m french. Love you

By: Forgiven

Forgiven — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 19:54:10 +0000

I did not realize there was such a thing as approval addiction until I committed adultery 1 1/2 years ago. I could not understand why and what led me to commit such an awful thing in my happily married life. At that time there was a window of opportunity at my current work place and saw it as an opportunity for intellectual growth. Well 4 months later into this new trainnig position I realized it was too much for me. I felt that I didn’t have what it took to do the job and realized i was too prideful to ask for help. I became more concerned about what people thought of me. I submitted myself intimately with the one person who intimidated me intellectually as a way of “distraction”. I knew it was wrong in every possible way. I am a christian and married with 3 children. But, nothing else mattered. The only thing that mattered to me was that I did not want the other person to THINK THAT I WAS INCOMPETENT! After a six month struggle with lies, myself, and the Lord, I realized that all of this stemmed from my 2nd grade teacher. What is it about 2nd grade!!!!??? I later confessed my sin to my husband with the notion that he could help me through this, but a year and half later he is still hurt and devestated!!!!! He doesnt understand. Am I really the only one who has ever done such an awful and humiliating thing?

By: Will

Will — Tue, 11 May 2010 01:27:07 +0000

I am a male 34 year old born and bred in a conservative church. I always been a leader in my church even to the point that I applied to ministry and even out of my own pochet pay for Seminary. The problem is that I have come to realised that all that every single thing I have done for the Lord has been not for his own sake and glory but rather for a need to be approved by those that were relevant to me. This really got me in a bind, I do not question my salvation but I do feel … eh… like I have made an unecessary investmet (not so much money wise but emotional). Lets say it stupid…

By: Mark

Mark — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:55:03 +0000

Anne that was an awesome sentence “I want to know what this One thinks of me…not someone who doesn’t have the whole story or the deep compassion He has.” – That says it all. I have spent a very good portion of my life trying to let people know my story so they can like me and see me by my experiences and upbringing. What a waste. They have their own issues. I used to go to CODA early on in my recovery and it helped me in a huge way. I very much want to see myself as God sees me- through the prism of Jesus Christ. I think this article speaks volumes of a major issue in Christianity-seeing ourselves “soberly” as scripture states. Many people only see one side of that- the prideful uplifing side- but the other side is also prideful in reverse- see ourselves as lower than dirt and incapable of God’s love. So yea- I see the need to have a view that looks at me as He sees me. That sentence by Anne I may pin to my shirt!

By: Mechelle

Mechelle — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 01:14:39 +0000

What a strong and brilliant statement. “the only time in the bible that GOD is portrayed as running….” I am very new in my walk with the LORD, but I am going to keep this observation close to my heart. thank you

By: Victor Bagnato

Victor Bagnato — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:45:36 +0000

This is truly an issue that is not confessed as freely as we do our others appetites, but This has been a core of my struggle. I belive relapsing in to drugs and others is a sresult of the discourgement that is consequent of approval addiction.

God showed me this:

The root of the approval addiction is really from the lie in the Garden, “You shall be as God”.
My approval addiction centers in an evil craving to be worshipped, and that If i can draw the attention of another to me, it is a competition with God.
If I share a word and expect appluase, then I am seeking the praise that Should be going to God.

If I want all to like me, then I am seeking from that person what they ned to give to God.

Soulution I found: If I am relieved of the bondage of self, through Christ, and my concern that others around me are turning their affections to God, then I cant at the same time be depressed or hurt or bitter that they are not giving me the affection. You see I realize that their affection belong to Him first. It helps me to remember this to get on track. Victor Baganto, Buffalo NY

By: brokensoul

brokensoul — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 22:30:58 +0000

I was stunned at how close to home that hit me…..especially “I end up giving people access to my identity that should not have that access. I become what other people think of me” Wow. In my attempts to be a “perfect Christian” and a perfect mom (after being raised in an verbally abusive and alcoholic home I was terrified not to do it just right) things sure didn’t turn out as I believed so fervently. I have been way too transparent, and as the bible says, thrown my pearls before swine and they turned around and rendered me asunder. Ouch. So here I am now after more than 2 decades of thinking I had it all figured out and while supporting an alcoholic loved one began to read all this stuff and realized I have all the traits of an addict without drinking or doing drugs. I don’t even know who I am anymore since perfectionism blew up in my face and here I sit now unable to discern God’s voice from man’s voice in my head. If the words “people pleaser” were in the dictionary, my face would be there! Everything on this site, all these articles are like food to my starving soul….how sad after 26 years of trying to do it all perfectly. I really did not know it’s ok to be flawed until recently, and did not know I have been spiritually abused. I just traded my family substance addictions for religious addictions, and the harm caused to my self image and spirit is devastating. Trying to crawl out of the pit of severe depression once again. I raised children with such a warped view of God’s love that I just have to fall on His mercy to heal us all. Thanks to all of you for sharing, the article as well as the comments

By: Winky

Winky — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:34:31 +0000

Man I can relate to this. Thanks for sharing that. I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation with this.

By: carmen

carmen — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:28:40 +0000

struggling with identity…i been diagnosed with a personality disorder and have suffered abuse. i really always feel i have to get a lot of love and attention from peopel, but when peopel actually try to love me, i feel dirty and unworthy and try push them away…

By: Vicki

Vicki — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 11:49:35 +0000

I have to say the article was like looking in the mirror of my life. Having been deeply shamed as a child I too developed this snare of becoming a true people pleaser, codependent and approval addicted mess. I believe this has caused me to make a lot of wrong choices during my life. Including staying in several unhealthy relationships way way to long.
Afraid of rejection, afraid of the deep searing pain I feel when I stop doing what people want me to do. I am currently in a toxic relationship. My family, Pastor, friends, coworkers and my doctor have told me over and over to walk away. I know all the facts. I have found a place to stay. I love the Lord and we talk daily and this is not His will for me. I need to walk away I need to go to meetings. Since this marriage I have become a drug addict who conquered one addiction and find myself inches away from developing another if I don’t get out. Its like I’m in emotional quicksand. I have to remember that only God truly knows me. I know His path is away from this man I love. I know there will be name calling and belittling from those that don’t know the Lord. They don’t understand that I can’t continue down the path of getting high and numbing ourselves. I have to take the turn. I didn’t listen. I love him and I entered in to a marriage where I am unequally yolked. It has had such destruction on my spiritual walk. The darkness can’t see the light. No one understands like one who has walked through it.I didn’t trust the Lord when I should have. I have repented. I turn to the Lord daily sometimes hourly. I will jot down some of the things in the previous articles. I will pray for courage and strength. Whatever it takes to get back on the path that God has for me. I can no longer be led by desire to please everyone around me to point of losing myself…and my relationship with the Lord.