Comments on: Approval Addiction and Identity

By: Mark

Mark — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:55:03 +0000

Anne that was an awesome sentence “I want to know what this One thinks of me…not someone who doesn’t have the whole story or the deep compassion He has.” – That says it all. I have spent a very good portion of my life trying to let people know my story so they can like me and see me by my experiences and upbringing. What a waste. They have their own issues. I used to go to CODA early on in my recovery and it helped me in a huge way. I very much want to see myself as God sees me- through the prism of Jesus Christ. I think this article speaks volumes of a major issue in Christianity-seeing ourselves “soberly” as scripture states. Many people only see one side of that- the prideful uplifing side- but the other side is also prideful in reverse- see ourselves as lower than dirt and incapable of God’s love. So yea- I see the need to have a view that looks at me as He sees me. That sentence by Anne I may pin to my shirt!

By: Mechelle

Mechelle — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 01:14:39 +0000

What a strong and brilliant statement. “the only time in the bible that GOD is portrayed as running….” I am very new in my walk with the LORD, but I am going to keep this observation close to my heart. thank you

By: Victor Bagnato

Victor Bagnato — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:45:36 +0000

This is truly an issue that is not confessed as freely as we do our others appetites, but This has been a core of my struggle. I belive relapsing in to drugs and others is a sresult of the discourgement that is consequent of approval addiction.

God showed me this:

The root of the approval addiction is really from the lie in the Garden, “You shall be as God”.
My approval addiction centers in an evil craving to be worshipped, and that If i can draw the attention of another to me, it is a competition with God.
If I share a word and expect appluase, then I am seeking the praise that Should be going to God.

If I want all to like me, then I am seeking from that person what they ned to give to God.

Soulution I found: If I am relieved of the bondage of self, through Christ, and my concern that others around me are turning their affections to God, then I cant at the same time be depressed or hurt or bitter that they are not giving me the affection. You see I realize that their affection belong to Him first. It helps me to remember this to get on track. Victor Baganto, Buffalo NY

By: brokensoul

brokensoul — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 22:30:58 +0000

I was stunned at how close to home that hit me…..especially “I end up giving people access to my identity that should not have that access. I become what other people think of me” Wow. In my attempts to be a “perfect Christian” and a perfect mom (after being raised in an verbally abusive and alcoholic home I was terrified not to do it just right) things sure didn’t turn out as I believed so fervently. I have been way too transparent, and as the bible says, thrown my pearls before swine and they turned around and rendered me asunder. Ouch. So here I am now after more than 2 decades of thinking I had it all figured out and while supporting an alcoholic loved one began to read all this stuff and realized I have all the traits of an addict without drinking or doing drugs. I don’t even know who I am anymore since perfectionism blew up in my face and here I sit now unable to discern God’s voice from man’s voice in my head. If the words “people pleaser” were in the dictionary, my face would be there! Everything on this site, all these articles are like food to my starving soul….how sad after 26 years of trying to do it all perfectly. I really did not know it’s ok to be flawed until recently, and did not know I have been spiritually abused. I just traded my family substance addictions for religious addictions, and the harm caused to my self image and spirit is devastating. Trying to crawl out of the pit of severe depression once again. I raised children with such a warped view of God’s love that I just have to fall on His mercy to heal us all. Thanks to all of you for sharing, the article as well as the comments

By: Winky

Winky — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:34:31 +0000

Man I can relate to this. Thanks for sharing that. I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation with this.

By: carmen

carmen — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:28:40 +0000

struggling with identity…i been diagnosed with a personality disorder and have suffered abuse. i really always feel i have to get a lot of love and attention from peopel, but when peopel actually try to love me, i feel dirty and unworthy and try push them away…

By: Vicki

Vicki — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 11:49:35 +0000

I have to say the article was like looking in the mirror of my life. Having been deeply shamed as a child I too developed this snare of becoming a true people pleaser, codependent and approval addicted mess. I believe this has caused me to make a lot of wrong choices during my life. Including staying in several unhealthy relationships way way to long.
Afraid of rejection, afraid of the deep searing pain I feel when I stop doing what people want me to do. I am currently in a toxic relationship. My family, Pastor, friends, coworkers and my doctor have told me over and over to walk away. I know all the facts. I have found a place to stay. I love the Lord and we talk daily and this is not His will for me. I need to walk away I need to go to meetings. Since this marriage I have become a drug addict who conquered one addiction and find myself inches away from developing another if I don’t get out. Its like I’m in emotional quicksand. I have to remember that only God truly knows me. I know His path is away from this man I love. I know there will be name calling and belittling from those that don’t know the Lord. They don’t understand that I can’t continue down the path of getting high and numbing ourselves. I have to take the turn. I didn’t listen. I love him and I entered in to a marriage where I am unequally yolked. It has had such destruction on my spiritual walk. The darkness can’t see the light. No one understands like one who has walked through it.I didn’t trust the Lord when I should have. I have repented. I turn to the Lord daily sometimes hourly. I will jot down some of the things in the previous articles. I will pray for courage and strength. Whatever it takes to get back on the path that God has for me. I can no longer be led by desire to please everyone around me to point of losing myself…and my relationship with the Lord.

By: anne

anne — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 04:06:20 +0000

Fear of man versus fear of God….
When I care more about what people may say or think about me than I do about what God thinks and says about me.
He says He loves me, I am precious to Him, I was worth His Son’s death for restoration of our relationship.
The only time in scripture where God is portrayed as running is in the story of the prodigal son. When the son returns – depicting us in a state of being estranged from God (the father of the story)…. this dad sees his child down the road and RUNS to greet him with no condemnation on his lips but only joy and celebration!
I want to know what this one thinks of me…. not someone who doesn’t have the whole story or the deep compassion He has.

By: Ross Banister

Ross Banister — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 03:28:09 +0000

Great article! I identify and have found support at Alanon and love it they call me a “double winner.”

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 06:30:31 +0000

I have dealt with addiction and identity issues for most of my adult life. (No doubt I’ve dealt with them prior to my adult life it’s just that as I’ve become – or sought to become – and adult, I’ve seen the most destructive fallout from them!) While I don’t think that approval addiction is my primary addiction I have come to see all too clearly its powerful grip on my life. As I read of Russell’s description and identification of this in his own life I can not help but be struck by similarities in my own. As I shared personally with a teacher and friend of mine one day about this very issue I noticed him scribbling something furiously on a scrap of paper. Worried as I was of course (given my propensity to desperately need the approval of others!) I figured he was either ignoring me due to boredom of what I was saying, or worse penning some gruff disapproval or judgment, I could only sit back with the sigh of resignation when he handed me what he had written. As a Christian it held particular weight. “Sin is seeing my life through someone else’s eyes”, was all the post-it said. A quote, I’ve sense learned, from a theologian, poet, and Benedictine monk, name Sebastian Moore.

For almost two years now I’ve had that note stuck on the inside of my daily appointment book. Something to help remind and teach me, as does this very pointed, and refreshingly open, honest, and insightful article, of Russell’s, that I am not the sum total of what others say or think I am! In fact, again as Russell reminds me, I’m not even necessarily the sum total of who I think I am. I am reminded so graciously and wonderfully here that I am who “the saturating love and acceptance of God” declares that I am. Anything short of this is both a lie and a sin. Not in the sense of condemning me but rather of liberating and freeing me. Thanks be to God!