Recovery from Doubt: Experiencing God
by Barbara Milligan
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By the time I was 12 or so, I was a committed Christian. But despite my personal commitment to Jesus and my involvement in a church community, I began to have some basic doubts about God. I was haunted by questions like, Am I really saved? Does God really love me? Is there really a God, and did Jesus really die for me, or did somebody make all this up? I asked Jesus into my heart over and over, just in case I wasn’t sincere enough the previous time. I kept hoping that the next Bible study, the next church youth camp, the next Sunday sermon would set me free from my doubts.
My childhood church was evangelical, which means that the emphasis was on Jesus as revealed in the Bible, the Word of God. That still sounds good to me, but a common belief in my church was that Jesus reveals himself only through Scripture, except sometimes through starry skies and redwood trees. Doubt was not an acceptable part of being a Christian in that environment, so I never shared my doubts with anyone. I didn’t want to be told, “My dear, you need assurance. And I can settle that for you once and for all. It says right here in 1 John 1:9, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’* You see? You’re saved. So don’t give the devil a foothold by doubting.”
Now, I believed 1 John 1:9 and similar verses. I memorized them. I meditated on them. I quoted them to other people. And I firmly believed (and still do) that the Word of God is as powerful as a two-edged sword and that God could speak to me and transform me through that Word. God had already done that through some passages of the Bible. But as much as I wanted to trust God, my painful experiences with authority figures had made me fearful. So my doubts remained.
That was many years ago, and although I still sometimes have lapses in trusting God, I’m no longer haunted by doubts. What made them go away? Well, it didn’t happen all at once. In fact, for me, it took years; I was in my thirties when I realized the doubts were gone. And contrary to what I’d been searching for, the solution was not in a compelling, intellectual argument or presentation. It was not in finding the answers to my questions. What helped me the most was experiencing God’s real presence.
During those years of doubting, I experienced God being with me in many ways. I remember the dark nights of crying out to God when I was lonely or afraid, and the warmth of God’s presence that often came to me within minutes. I remember sensing that God was leading me as I decided to move 400 miles from my childhood home without a job or a place to live. I remember God beginning to heal my emotional wounds, freeing me from some codependent patterns and helping me develop healthy boundaries. And I remember many of God’s personal, daily gifts to me–a hummingbird in flight, staring into my face from two feet away, or an encouraging conversation with someone I trusted, or a glimpse of something good that God was doing in a situation that had tied my stomach into knots.
I remember one Christian friend in high school who had a lifelong impact on me. She knew lots of Scripture but never used it to try to fix me or “assure” me. Instead, she lived Scripture. She listened to me. She responded with compassion. She affirmed me. I know Jesus was in her, using her to draw me closer to him and to trust my experience of him. I felt loved, accepted, respected, valued, comforted, nurtured, strengthened. Later I met other supportive friends, communities of believers, who taught me how much we all need each other to survive.
I also remember how God made many Bible passages come alive for me in the midst of my doubts. For example, I identified with the man who told Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). That story told me that Jesus wanted me to be honest about my doubts. And that I could ask him to help me with them.
Despite my doubts, God met me in all those ways, and more. Over and over, I was invited to experience God. I experienced God’s presence, God’s guidance, God’s compassion, God’s comfort, God’s nurturing, God’s strength, God’s love and many more aspects of God’s character. I experienced God through nature, through other people, through circumstances, through words and pictures and impressions, and increasingly often through the Bible.
God used those experiences to gradually vanquish my doubts. My unhealed wounds from the past had caused me to doubt God, while my conscious mind wanted to trust God. And because my doubts were on a feeling level, not on a thinking level, God addressed them emotionally, not intellectually. Hearing, reading, and thinking about God’s love for me, and all that Jesus had done to demonstrate God’s love, did not diminish the doubts. I needed to experience God’s love for me before the doubts would subside. And as I began to experience God’s love, my heart began to open to the living truths of the Bible.
My experiences of God during those years of doubting taught me a few things about God. The Bible clearly communicates all these truths, but they’re meant for us to experience as well as to think about. “Taste and see that the LORD is good” (Psalm 34:8) is one of the ways that David talks about experiencing God. Tasting is not primarily an intellectual exercise; it’s an experience. Here are some things we can discover when we taste, or experience, God:
God is kind.
I was taught this at church, as many of us were, and my conscious mind believed it. So then why was I often surprised when God did kind things for me or spoke gentle, respectful words to my soul? Those of us who grew up with critical authority figures tend to brace ourselves for shame, put-downs, guilt, mistrust, impossible demands, performance reviews, and other harsh treatment from God. But that is not God’s way. God surprises us with kindness.
God’s love has no strings attached.
God’s love has no “if” clause (“I will love you if you please me” or “I will love you if I feel like it”). God’s love is not a smothering love (“I love you because you make me feel good”). And God’s love is not a controlling love (“I love you because you are my property”). God simply loves us–unconditionally, eternally.
God wants us even more than we want God.
In the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), Jesus compares God to the father who unashamedly hitches up his garment and runs to meet the lost son. Jesus says that while the son was still a long way off, “his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (v. 20). We may find this illustration of God’s affection too intimate, too threatening. But God invites us to come a little closer and to experience God’s compassion.
God is more gracious to us than we are toward ourselves.
We have high expectations of ourselves, and we tend to judge ourselves harshly. We fear failure, we reprimand ourselves when we fail, and we might even punish ourselves for failing. But God knows our limits even better than we do. And when we fail, God does not scold us or shame us. God always has grace for us, no matter how many times we fail.
God is trustworthy.
God never gives up on us, never rejects us, never leaves us. These things are especially difficult for us to believe if we didn’t grow up in an environment of trust. But God understands our mistrust and invites us to discover, through experience, how trustworthy God is.
God delights in giving to us.
It’s God’s nature to give. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t very good at receiving. We find it hard even to receive from God, unless it’s mainly for the purpose of serving someone else. But when we slow down, pay attention to what God might be doing in us and around us, and receive the good gifts God is offering us–especially God’s love for us–we become healthier human beings. We become human beings who know we’re loved. And then we’re prepared to serve others out of love.
We can tell God exactly how we feel.
God can handle our doubts, our fears, our anger, our disappointment, our anxiety, our sadness. Unlike some people we may have known and trusted, God doesn’t turn away from us or tell us to go away until we get a better attitude. Instead, God invites us to share all our feelings with him, including the unpleasant ones. If we find this hard to do, we can browse the Psalms for helpful scripts. Psalms 13, 31, and 69 are good examples, and there are many more.
God wants to heal our wounds.
It took me quite a few years to let this truth sink in, but God is always patient. While we may want our emotional wounds to be healed, we may avoid the healing process. We fear the pain we’ll experience as we expose wounds that we buried long ago, or we fear God’s responses to those wounds. However, God understands all our fears. And as we take them to God, one fear at a time, God slowly and thoroughly drives out our fears while healing our wounds.
The Bible is full of stories about how people have experienced a loving God. And the Bible is full of invitations for us to experience this God. Fortunately for us, God does most of the work. Our part is to ask God to make us willing to have our wounds and fears revealed to us so that God can heal us. Our part is to ask for eyes to see and a heart to receive God’s loving gifts to us each day so that we can experience and truly know this One who loves each of us beyond the telling.
Barbara Milligan is the associate editor of STEPS magazine. /eR
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Thank you. Very well presented. I love the part about experiencing God, “taste and see” Ps.34:8. I love the part where you included, “while my conscious mind wanted to trust God.” but “because my doubts were on a feeling level, not on a thinking level, God addressed them emotionally, not intellectually.” This is great news for me. Thank you for making it so clear for me to understand!
really struggle with doubt- with believing that God sees me and my experiences as real. i have been abused, been ill with personality disorder. i have acheived a certain level of recovery- PRASIE GOD- i have been brought really far with help of ministry, deliverance etc, but i really want to accept God’s love and hang onto it. i feel like i’m nothing, like am full of shame and fear.
It’s an encouragement to see the Gospel as it really is being shared on the web. There are so many doctrines that condemn and bring fear and put law on us, but this is refreshing! I have been growing closer to God over the last year than I think I had for some years, thanks to His true grace being revealed and God changing legalistic mindsets. Lately I’ve had fears of Him not exhisting or picking the wrong religion which for someone who seemed to be growing, catches you by surprise. Was having a (careful) look on the net for this very topic and thanks to our faithful Dad, this has brought that encouraging perspective back, that I’m not falling into my own doubt as we sometimes feel, but that God is bringing this to light because He is healing me! Because I am growing! How easy it is to forget.
thank you so much for this. right now i am having a terrible time with doubt. ive never doubted like this before,and it all came on so suddenly. it started when i saw on a satanists myspace page how he loved proving Christians wrong, and also there was a site that was all like why Christianity is phony etc. so i clicked it to see what these people thought,and it said how the bible has stolen ideas etc..so i just clicked out.but all these horrible questions have been flooding my mind and its holding me back and i hate it. God and i were getting on a closer level,and now i feel like a lost puppy. im clinging to Him as much as i can.im praying and praying and reading the bible,its just so hard though. i want to be over it now! i want to do great miraclous things for my Lord,i know He is there..i just dont understand me. please pray for me,and ill come back to this page to see if maybe anyone has some words of wisdom? but please pray, i need God. i need Him so bad. i am nothing without my Jesus,my very best friend.
To Sarah and Matthew, I know exactly how u both feel, I hear so many athiest comments about Christianity and how its ridiculous, God was invented by man, I’ve heard the one about how the Bible has stolen things from other works. But yes, doubt is scary, and I know, because I feel it, but I also have a hard time believing what these athiests say to be true. It has to be more than that, and God is working in me, I have admitted to past sins that have plagued me for years; and have been praying and reading the Bible, seeking God everyday. It’s so good to hear that others are having the same problems as me, not to sound mean or anything. But the fact that doubt is a common thing and to know that God is working, and has worked in people with my problems is such a relief. I’m so grateful and unworthy for God’s glory, and it almost brings me to tears to know that I’m loved regardless of any of these fears. God bless you all, and please pray for me as well.
To Sarah–buy yourself a copy of the book The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It’s available on Amazon.com or any Christian bookstore. Scholars discuss the historcity of the gospels, and I think you’ll find that the real scholarly work done on the Bible demonstrates that the Bible is indeed historically valid, and the inspired work of God.
Hey sarah, i no the feeling. When i was watching a show about God, instead it was talking about how satanists are against God. So that made me very angry and just sick to my stomach to see that. How evil this world is coming too. But see satan is such a liar, he is an immature punk. You must understand that God is in you and He is scared as heck of Him. He has no claim or power over you With Jesus Christ. Satan wants to spread fear that you’ll be like them but your not because as long you confess with your mouth and believe in God’s word with Faith no matter how small He can’t haram you. Then he’ll try to convince you God aint with you, but yet another lie, God said no i won’t leave you. That statement stands alone. I had the fear of turning evil once but i knew with faith and the word, i just simply believed it i was free of his bondage. Your a free person in Christ and sometimes you think your not but you are as long your consineous of sin and stop doing it. Draw Nigh to God and He will Draw nigh to you. If the bible was not true then prophecies about whats happening now wouldn’t be happening
So understand that as long a miracle from God happens to you from what it said in the bible, the whole thing is true because if thats true then everything else Jesus said was true.If satan is real, GOd is real, if satan is a liar, God is truth, and if thats the situation God got you sweetheart.
but now, im facing a situation where i have sinned people and now i am having doubts, i am a believer but becase of what i did, questions and my heart are having these reality check that God doesn’t exist. So im kinda of confused and scared cuz i no He does but my heart is confused….It seems like everytime i pray and pray aand pray He wouldn’t come to me…so lies kept coming into my head about Him. Man i feel like imma be in the depressing moment all my life…what should i do to regain my faith in God. My thoughts say He exist but what troubles me is my heart and God looks at my heart and i think hell be angry, i no thats not true but at this moment it does.
Hi Elias,
I just came across this website and I’m so blessed that I’m not alone. Been wrecked with guilt, shame, condemnation, and fear that I committed the unpardonable sin. I have been fighting the fears and doubts and thoughts as best as I could, reading the Word, praying, worshiping, but I feel no matter how hard I do all these spiritual disciplines, I keep feeling the accuser’s breath on my back telling me i’m a hypocrite and I can’t return back to the Lord and the Lord has forsaken me. I got so weak and filled with fear and dread that I stopped reading my Bible and praying as much. Just couldn’t pray. Just didn’t have the words! But what has been my saving grace is just being around other believers and most importantly, telling the Lord how I honestly feel and proclaiming Scripture to God, to satan, and to myself. Even if I don’t feel it, even if the reality of the Words don’t penetrate (or feel like they penetrate), just believe. And when you can’t believe, you ask the Lord for more faith! But in the end, you just believe that He will take you through. He will bring you out. He will show you. Just keep pressing on and pressing into Him. Sometimes you have to do what you gotta do — surround yourself with people of faith who can speak truth to you, over and over again. Pray with other believers. Look for others who are going through the same thing, or who have gone through the same thing. I was really blessed to have met so many people who have trodden this road before me and they kept telling me that the Lord is faithful. He WILL do it!
Phil. 1:6 – He who began a good work in you will be FAITHFUL to complete it!
Hebrews 7:25 – Therefore he is able to save COMPLETELY (or to the uttermost) those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
Remember that God is interceding for you even in your doubting! When you see your sin and shame, tell your enemy about the BLOOD of Jesus! The precious blood of Jesus cries out and declares us righteous in Christ! No matter what we are doing or what we are going through, CHRIST is the One who declares us righteous!
I think the Lord sovereignly takes us through these seasons of doubt, fear, anxiety, guilt and condemnation to reveal pockets where the enemy has taken residence. And the Lord wants to come into these areas so that we will be more secure in Him and in His Word. God’s Word is Life and He wants His Words to be constituted into our very being so that we live the Word of God and the enemy cannot shake us in that place of doubt or fear.
I’m going through the same thing. I thought I was very strong in the Word and apparently I was not! There have been pockets and pockets of darkness where I have believed in lies… and hidden myself in spiritual disciplines to hide my fear and shame and guilt. But the Lord wants us to KNOW DEEP WITHIN that we are His Beloved, He died for us! And those who know Him, truly know Him, must go through this period of “abandonment” to know that God NEVER abandons us even when it seems like He does. Cry out to Him and tell Him how much you love Him every day! Even when you doubt, even when you fear, even when you can’t stand the absence of His presence. He will come. He will come.
ZwuyGW Home run! Great slugging with that answer!
Elias,
I hope you are doing better. As you said, we all have these doubts and satan is just a liar – he plays dirty so when you make a decision to stand in faith, he will come at you and attack you – BUT Our God is an almighty God so try these things:
1. Trust your faith and not your feelings – feelings are up and down, but God never is –> “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” – Hebrews 13:8
2. Remember that the way we are and the way we think…God’s not like that!!! We think condemnation, He thinks grace…we think anger, he thinks forgiveness…we sees our flaws, He sees perfection – He made you and, who you are right now, that’s not a mistake – You are exactly as He wanted you to be, as He intended!!
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” – Isaiah 55:9
God bless and remember, don’t give the devil a foothold!! Don’t allow wrong thoughts in, recognize thoughts that are not of God and chuck them away!!
“But you, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
God loves you with a live that never fails. Really think about that. He will never leave you nor forsake you
thank you. Its such a constant battle, that no matter how much faith I have one day… the next I find myself haunted by doubts and anxiety. I had full blown anxiety for a good chunk of time, while I’m not as worried about my faith falling out from under me, its hard to hear about others who have left the faith as unbelievers… and I didn’t grow up a Christian, so my foundation sometimes feels rocky and unformed… I keep waiting for the day I wake up and doubtful questions aren’t spinning around my head… and that I don’t have to fight with myself.
I really identify with the emotional level of faith that God addressed, and that old wounds are in the way quite often. My partner doesn’t understand why I have doubts at all because he does, he keeps praying but its so nice to see there are others who have made it through and who feel the same way so thank you for posting this and the others who have posted too. Its such a blessing to know that I’m not alone, and maybe there are others who feel out of place amongst those who seem undeniably anointed
You know what has helped me? The story of Thomas. He doubted that Jesus had been raised from the dead, and for all my life I have read Jesus’ reaction to Thomas through the eyes of condemnation. I kind of thought Jesus thought he was pathetic for not believing. But if you really look at that passage, and you dare to let yourself believe in the goodness of God, you will see things different. Jesus met Thomas right where he was at. He let Thomas touch him. He will meet you where you’re at too.