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Taming the Terrible Moments in Life
Taming the Terrible Moments in Life
Tips for helping children with fears
Our children are well acquainted with fear. They face potential fears every day, especially if they are growing up in an environment of divorce, absentee parents, alcoholism, drug addiction, gangs, community violence, or poverty. We often hear experts wisely advising us to provide our children with an atmosphere of safety and love, in which we encourage them to talk openly about their fear, and allow them to express their feelings.
For over a decade, creating a safe environment for children who have been terrorized by their life circumstances (and helping their parents as well) has been a primary goal of Confident Kids. Here are some tips we often give parents for helping their children tame the terrible moments in their lives. These tips are appropriate to any situation in which children are experiencing fear, anxiety, helplessness, confusion, or any other powerful feelings.
Accept the painful, scary, threatening side of life. As parents, we find it difficult to watch our children suffer from the adult realities of our world. After all, isn’t it our job to protect them from this side of life? But try as we will, those realities happen anyway. Parents get divorced; lives are ruined by drugs or alcohol; jobs are lost; fires, earthquakes and tornadoes take homes; terrorists attack; and our children feel the deep pain of each event. Unfortunately, we can never protect our children from the harsh realities of growing up in our world. Once we accept that, we are better prepared to let go of guilt feelings and help our kids.
See the event through your children’s eyes. Children experience a crisis differently from adults. Perhaps the biggest difference is that children communicate with their behavior more than with words. Knowing what to expect is helpful:
Six years and younger: This is the “me” group. Their world consists of themselves and their family. They ask questions like, Am I going to be safe? Did I do something wrong? Will my daddy and mommy be okay? Expect them to become clingy, have nightmares and separation anxiety, and possibly regress to earlier behaviors such as bed-wetting.
Seven to twelve years: This group is more likely to ask how and why questions: How can we protect ourselves? Why did ________ do this to us? How can we fix it? Expect their behavior to be much the same as the younger group but more intense. They may experience headaches or stomachaches, may not want to go to school and may use play to express their fantasies.
Teen years: Their key question is, What does this mean? Their thinking is more global, although their internalization is still personal: I never expected this to happen to me. Expect behaviors such as rebellion, avoidance, hyperactivity, a sharp decline in school performance, and other forms of acting-out behavior.
Tell them the truth. The biggest mistake parents make is to try to protect their children by withholding information. Children need three basic things to handle the terrible moments in their lives:
Information. Without factual, reliable information, children fill in the gaps with their own perceptions and worst fears. Tell your children what is true, but with no more detail than necessary. Most importantly, keep any of your own hostility or bitterness to yourself.
Listening. Timing is everything. If your children resist your efforts to draw out their feelings, don’t force a conversation. When they are ready to talk, listen to them attentively.
Validation. Validation is saying yes. Yes, this happened. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’s not fair. Yes, your perceptions of this are right. Offer reassurances that, in spite of what frightens them, they are loved and they will still be cared for. Remind them that although it may not seem like it, God is still in control and will care for them too.
Build a support system. People in pain tend to feel isolated and alone, and often do not want to see or be with anyone. However, now is the time that you and your children need to be surrounded by your support system. Whether you feel like it or not, make the effort to reach out to caring friends, family members and the church community.
Take care of yourself. Another natural tendency of parents is to set aside their own needs to care for their children. However, you cannot adequately care for your children until you have begun caring for your own needs. The best thing you can do for your children is to care for yourself, especially if you have been traumatized too. Pay attention to your own mental and emotional state, and don’t be afraid to do what is necessary to facilitate your own healing. Be aware that your children will react to your emotional state, often making your feelings and reactions their own. In effect, if you try to ignore your own needs, they will experience a double trauma: theirs and yours.
As much as possible, maintain a normal routine. Remember that emotional stress takes a physical toll, and during times of crisis we need to give ourselves permission to slow down. However, we must also remember that daily routines and family traditions facilitate healing by assuring us that things are under control. Going to school, participating in sports and other after-school activities, having friends over, celebrating birthdays and holidays, visiting family and friends—all these activities can help heal children’s fears.
Watch for warning signs that healing is not occurring. With guidance, children are wonderfully able to tame the terrible moments in life. However, we should always watch for signs that our children need extra help. Look for extreme anxiety that does not seem to be easing; irrational fears, especially about being away from you; prolonged loss of appetite; lack of interest in normal activities; or harm that the child has inflicted on others or on himself or herself. If you’re in doubt about the meaning of your child’s behavior, talk with a trusted counselor or pastor.
Entrust your children to God’s care. This can be our greatest gift to our children. Knowing that God will give our children protection and safety beyond what we could ever provide can be our greatest comfort.
David Sibley is the executive director of Confident Kids (www.confidentkids.com).
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