A Decade of Personal Recovery
A Decade of Personal Recovery
Pat Means was one of the founders of the NACR and the first editor of STEPS magazine. He currently serves as the Executive Director of Prodigals International in Seattle, Washington. His book Mens' Secret Wars is one of the best available on the struggles faced by men in recovery. We interviewed him to get a sense of how his personal recovery journey has developed over the last decade.
STEPS: What was your life like ten years ago?
Pat: Well, I have to begin a little before that. It was almost thirteen years ago that I had an extramarital affair and as a result lost my marriage and was terminated from a leadership position in a Christian ministry where I had worked for twenty years. After the affair became public I was assigned to meet with a group of five "moral monitors." These men would meet with me, and they would ask me questions about what I'd done that week–about my thought life. They would take notes. I would share but they would never share back with me any struggles that they were having. The truth is that I probably would have done the same thing if I had been in their shoes. I wouldn't have known any different. That approach to personal change—even though it clearly didn't work for me—was all that I knew at the time. Nothing about that process helped motivate me to explore the defects inside that I needed to give over to God. I was desperate to find a saner path but I didn't really know where to look.
About that time I went to a Freedom Weekend led by Fr. Jack McGinnis. It was my very first experience with Christian recovery. There was a room full of people sitting in a circle. They each took turns sharing about where they were in their recovery. I heard people being really honest. They didn't say things like "Oh, I got a little irritated with my wife." People were really honest about the junk in their lives. Also, people weren't saying "I had junk in my life ten years ago and, praise the Lord, I'm saved now." People talked about yesterday, and about this morning and about giving this over to God today because it's still here and it's a process. This really blew me away. People seemed to be able to be honest about their struggles and they didn't seem to be shamed by this! They had a certain kind of peace about it all. I could tell there was an acceptance in the room for human beings who weren't perfect—it was a brand new experience for me! I had never, ever experienced anything like it. I'd been in small groups and led small groups during all of my adult ministry life but I had never experienced anything like it. It was my first exposure to what you have called "the terrors and joys" of honesty. I loved it and I was scared by it at the same time. I so wanted to move to the place where it's okay to be part of the human race and where it's not necessary to try to be anything else more or less than that.
It was about a year after this experience that I got involved in the discussions with you and Carmen Berry—discussions in which we really invented the NACR. And soon thereafter you hired me to be part of the staff. I can see today much more clearly than I could have seen then how broken I was at the time. How much work there was still to do! But after so many experiences of rejection, of people thinking that my brokenness excluded me from any possibility of being involved in ministry, it was pure grace to me. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to be involved in the ministry of the NACR.
STEPS: I think that back then all of us were desperate to find a way to be Christian that was not about looking good, or getting it right, or trying hard, or trying harder or trying our hardest. We had done that and it had not worked for us.
Pat: In our recovery group last night here in Seattle we were talking about why Christians often seem to have a tougher time when they first come into our recovery groups as compared to non-Christians. One of the points that was brought out was that the church by and large is a socializing system very similar to the military. You are taught to look alike, dress alike, sound alike. It's almost to the point where we could have uniforms. There is a form of promotion and ranks within that system according to certain things you do to win merit and favor. If you do certain things then maybe you will be invited to host a Bible study in your home, or lead one, and then maybe you'll actually some day be invited to be an elder. Now there is an appropriate place for a maturation process to identify leaders in the church. But what so often happens is that in order to please, in order to get those promotions, we put all of our emphasis on "looking good." It puts a lot of pressure on people's deep down desire to be honest because it is quite clear that if we are really honest we won't get that next promotion. Recovery for Christians requires that we disengage from that merit system and say "No, I'm going to get to the root of what is wrong inside even though I don't get any of those strokes." Ten years ago there was nobody in my universe saying anything like this at all.
As I was thinking about this interview I was reminded of two incidents that might help clarify how things have changed for me in the last decade. The first incident was the very, very first time I ever spoke after I lost my marriage and my ministry. It had been three full years. This was about nine years ago. I had been digging ditches, and painting houses and feeding birds for the Fish and Wildlife Service—all kinds of things. And I had been working on my recovery toward the end of that period. And then I became part of the NACR and had a first opportunity to publicly share my story in a workshop at the very first STEPS conference. It was. . .a horrible experience. Marsha, my wife, was there after my presentation and asked "how did it go?" I remember saying "It was absolutely horrible. I will never do that again as long as I live." I still felt so much shame. There was one lady who came up after my talk and said "I'm trying to start a recovery ministry in our church but how do you answer the pastor and others who, when they hear testimonies from people like you, discount recovery because obviously you have been involved in immorality?" It's a question that I could easily answer today without hesitation, and which would not trigger me at all. But at that time in my life it kind of folded me up. It took all the wind out of my sails. I didn't have enough recovery under my belt to handle that kind of thing.
I remember a second incident from about that time when I wrote my very first article for STEPS magazine. I'll never forget being on the phone with you, Dale. I was over deadline—which wasn't all that unusual—and I remember saying "Yea, I'm on my 13th draft and I'm hoping that I will wrap it up soon." And I remember you saying "You know, Pat, you don't have to hit it out of the ballpark on the first swing." It was so important for me to massage every phrase so that I was being honest—but I was being honest in just the way I felt okay about being honest. I wanted people to understand that I was a sinner—but I also wanted them to perceive that I was a certain kind of sinner. It would be devastating if they were to perceive me as some other kind of sinner—you know, a really bad one. Now, on a personal level, while I do reserve the right to decide if a given audience is safe enough to share certain details, it doesn't bother me a bit to talk about the failure I've experienced and what I've learned from it since then. Being broken as a Christian or even as a Christian leader is not a rare thing at all. We are all struggling with something—we are all struggling with something fundamentally broken and the sooner we all get honest about it the better.
Both of these incidents remind me that God has helped me grow in the last decade.
STEPS: It sounds like you have been freed from a lot of fear and shame in the last decade. I guess two of the really important things we've learned over the last decade are that, first, denial doesn't go away all at once. We can only tolerate a little bit of honesty at a time. And secondly, and this is the good news, we can tolerate a little honesty. It may take a long time. But we don't have to be all better today. We can be working on the next piece. That's enough. God does not expect more of us.
Pat: As I said at the STEPS conference in Phoenix, even while I was in a recovery process related to sexual integrity issues I was still abusing alcohol secretly at that time. That was going on even while I was in a leadership role in recovery circles and I was in denial about it. I would stop for a period to prove that it wasn't a real problem. But, of course, I would always start again. And then eventually there was enough stress in my life and I needed to medicate more heavily and it became obvious that my drinking was out of control. Finally, my wife came home one night and found me passed out on the bathroom floor. After I woke up she said "Pat you have a decision to make. You either need to get some help with this problem or our marriage will not survive." The next night I went to my first AA meeting and that turned out to be a wonderful experience. It was the next phase in my recovery journey. I went back to spiritual kindergarten. And I began to work on another set of issues. I have no doubt that I am in denial about some other stuff right now that God will no doubt eventually reveal as I go along.
I was talking recently to a guy in one of our sexual addiction recovery groups. He had been really active but he hadn't been attending as regularly recently so I called him up to say I was concerned. He said "Well, you know, I've had to put a lot of time in on this recovery stuff and my wife and I were talking and I do have other responsibilities that I need to be stepping back into more here at home and so I'm hoping to kind of taper off and eventually step back into a more normal family life." I tried to affirm his desire to make his family a priority but also emphasized that all of us will be in some form of recovery for the rest of our lives. We need to be aware of our basic vulnerabilities and be attending to them and to be around other people who can be models, encouragement and inspiration to us if we are going to keep working on the character issues which lie beneath our behaviors. It is just too easy to get absorbed back into that other model where if you look good enough that's all that matters. It is a challenge. I haven't graduated. I'm still in spiritual kindergarten. I'm trying to remain teachable and open to what God has to teach me today.
STEPS: If you want this to be a six month adventure and then move on to other things, you will probably be disappointed.
Pat: Yes. You know, I thought that after my initial blow out and my divorce–I thought my reputation was so ruined that I would not need to do any more work in the areas of grandiosity and spiritual pride. Obviously that hasn't been true. One of the things that I have found to be a useful litmus test for whether old issues are rearing back up again is whether or not I'm willing to go to others who have good solid recovery experience and humbly ask them for insight and wisdom on some issue I'm struggling with and be open and teachable. When I find myself not wanting to do that either because of embarrassment that I'm struggling with something, or I find myself thinking "Well, I probably know that already". . . that is a red flag for me. It means I need to be reminded that denial is still a fundamental characteristic of our flawed human condition. There are going to be blind spots that I am not going to be able to see without outside help.
STEPS: Let me ask you something generally about the Christian community. You have spent most of the last decade trying to interest the Christian community in recovery. How is that going? Do you see a big difference in how the Christian community responds to recovery now or is it pretty much the same as it was ten years ago?
Pat: I am happy to say that I think a lot has changed. There are still major sections of the Christian community that are hostile to basic recovery principles. Some people still don't understand that life transformation is a process that doesn't happen overnight. Others don't understand that just studying the Bible and praying by themselves won't take care of all the character problems and addiction issues we might be wrestling with. But, in spite of that, I find pastors and churches are more teachable. I think its because the problems marching through their counseling offices are multiplying and they are realizing that they are in over their heads. I had a pastor here in the area from a very conservative denomination call me a couple of months ago. He had heard me on one of our radio broadcasts and said "I need some advice." I went to his office and he said "I have had three situations in the last month. A man with a pornography addiction in my congregation. A woman who has had an affair. And a man who is just being released from prison who is a registered sex offender who wants to fellowship here in our congregation and wants some kind of on-going Bible study or support group or accountability group." He went on to say "I want to have a ministry to these people but frankly I really don't know how to do it." I was really impressed with this man who has had a long ministry—a long successful ministry—but who is humble enough and open enough to see that he needs to learn more about these problems. I pulled together a number of resources for him to look over and we got together and talked about a variety of approaches to ministry. He picked one that seemed to fit their congregation and he has started to come to a sexual recovery network meeting that we have regularly for Christian therapists, twelve step leaders and pastors who want to learn about sexual addiction recovery. That's a lot of openness from one of the more conservative pastors in our area.
STEPS: We seem to wait until we are in enough pain. I suppose that's another piece of learning from the last decade. Without pain as a motivator it's just too easy to keep plodding along, making do, trying a little bit harder. As long as we can increase our pain-tolerance, we can manage. But the Christian community at several levels has been increasing it's pain tolerance for a long time now and it seems like we are getting to the point where we can't increase our tolerance for pain anymore. That creates a painful but also a teachable moment.
Pat: That's exactly right. On the other hand the challenge is still out ahead of us. In our group last night I was sitting next to a man who goes to one of the larger churches in this area and he said to me, "You were talking in group about how certain parts of the Christian community are still resistant to recovery. But my church has a recovery ministry." I said, "Yes, I know that. I know they have several Christ-centered twelve step groups." "So," he said, "that proves that the church really is moving towards recovery." My response was, "The real test would be if the leaders of the congregation were present in those groups as participants—not as supervisors or leaders. If the leadership was coming on a peer level as Christians who are also struggling—then you would have made some real progress." He replied, in some shock, "You mean like pastoral staff?" "Absolutely!" I said. "Well," he said "we certainly are not there yet." That to me would be the ideal I'd like to see down the road. We desperately need to get rid of the assumption that our leaders are invulnerable. I was part of it. Like so many others, I believed that leaders should not be honest about the things they are struggling with. I thought that recovery was just for the poor broken folks that really have serious needs.
STEPS: It seems to me that many churches have made room in the congregation for recovery—but in most cases it is still a fairly marginalized place. It is not yet clear that recovery is really about all of us—that all of us need that level of honesty, accountability and grace. That transition is still underway and it could take a while.
Pat: Exactly. Ted Roberts, a pastor in the Portland area who is the head of a very large church publicly identifies himself as a recovering sex addict. He just wrote a book entitled Pure Desire in which he talks about his own journey. And he has basically patterned his church around small groups and a strong recovery group emphasis. So there are parts of the body of Christ where this is breaking down and people are willing to acknowledge that they have a shadow and that it is only by continuing to work on their recovery that they can maintain health.
STEPS: It doesn't seem like asking for too much to insist that the Christian community have a workable, functional understanding of sin.
Pat: Yes. Christians do not in general have a problem admitting that they are sinners. It's just when you get into specifics that everyone is struck dumb. We say, "God save me a sinner." But no one wants to name the sins that they are struggling with. And until we are willing to do that I don't think affirming the theological truth will be very helpful to us.
STEPS: Jesus tells a great story about a father who asks his two sons to work in the field. The first son says, "I'll do it" but doesn't. The second son says, "I won't do it," but later changes his mind and goes and works in the field. Jesus asks, "Which son did the will of his father?" Obviously it wasn't the son who said the right things. It was the son who did the work. It is very reminiscent of what you sometimes hear in AA, "it's walking the walk, not talking the talk."
Pat: On a personal level I've had to dip deeper into those shadow realities and look at some ugly stuff more that I wanted to. I had my own version of magical thinking early in my recovery. I thought "Yes, I've owned up to one of the really big sins in life and that should be enough." I hope I'll never be that smug again. Now things come to light every day. I need to be open to those who know me best to get feedback and to receive encouragement to keep working on my issues. It is a tough process and it does tend to make the last ten years seem like a long time. On the other hand, and this is the encouragement for all of us on this journey, there is an amazing reward. I know a higher level of contentedness now than I've ever known. I'm always clear when I'm talking about the results of recovery to say "This isn't hype, this isn't hype!" I used to say this kind of thing and it was all hype, but this isn't hype. It's real. If you pay the price you can have contentment you never thought possible.
Christian recovery groups are multiplying in the Christian community. Thousands of churches have recovery groups now. But it will all still come down to individual decisions, one person at a time, asking "Am I willing to risk all of these rags that I have been clinging to for the sake of the promise that I will have a better life if I walk through this fire to get to the other side?" I get a call every week from someone who says "I'm having an affair and my wife is about to leave me, can we get together?" In every case I share my own story and explain the probable consequences of leaving their wives for their affair-partner. I'll explain the impact on their children—the alienation and later scars. I'll talk about the probability of losing many friends and the impact on vocation and business. I'll explain the possibility of resentments towards the women he marries next. It is not, of course, appropriate but it is a very normal response to blame this other person for having caused us to experience all those losses. Even with all of this information, somewhere between half and two thirds of the guys I meet with . . .It's almost like the parable of the rich young ruler when Jesus says "sell everything you have and follow me" and he goes away sadly knowing that he can't pay that price. That's how it feels. In spite of seeing the cost of going down a certain path, the majority of men decide that they are not willing to do the hard work that recovery will require. Recovery is difficult, that's why it's not more popular.
STEPS: Another positive about the last decade is that we have learned that recovery will not grow because of it's popularity. It always comes down to individual people deciding that the pain which is a part of genuine change is worth the gain in freedom and grace.
Pat: If I could add one scary prophetic note–we've gotten involved here recently in the whole issue of internet pornography. I've been meeting for the last several weeks with a 15 year old boy who has been addicted for two years. A fine Christian kid, great Christian home, active in his youth group. But two years ago when his folks got AOL they were spammed by a bunch of porn sites. Out of curiosity he clicked on some and he got hooked. He wasn't discovered until last month when he upped his risky behavior to include using his dad's credit card number to get into some of the sites. He is just one of thousands and thousands. The thing that scares me is that I'm working with all these sexually addicted men now and the way they got addicted when they were teenagers was stumbling across a friends' dad's Playboy in the garage somewhere. Now, kids are accessing this at school, at home, from the library and I'm afraid in the next ten to twenty years we are going to see a tsunami crash across the American landscape—a dramatic rise in sexual addiction among men and a great deal of fallout in human pain in marriages.
STEPS: Our culture used to laugh at Dean Martin in the 50's when he did his public drunk act. But that's not funny anymore. We have learned, well mostly learned, that alcohol intoxication is not funny. But we have not yet learned that sexual addiction is not funny. You still see out-of-control sexual behaviors in sitcoms and movies with a comedic premise. We are apparently not yet in enough pain about this to see it for what it is. Clearly this is not going to go away quickly.
Pat: I was rereading the other day Sam Shoemaker's poem entitled I Stand Near the Door. It really moves me every time I read it. He describes himself as being called to stand near the door—near to the entrance of the Kingdom. Out there where people are stumbling in the dark, feeling for where the door might be. They don't know where it is but they desperately need it. You can reach out and you can guide their hands to where the door is and they go on inside. You don't feel particularly called to go too far inside yourself—though you can admire people who do—but you know that you need to stand near the door so that you can be available to those people who are feeling along the walls looking for the entrance.
STEPS: I wish the last decade had been easier for both of us but life feels so much more solid and real to me today than anything I had access to a decade ago.
Pat: I often think back to the very first meetings during which you and Carmen Berry and I really invented the NACR and think about who we were then and what we have been through since then and mostly I feel this deep sense of gratitude. I suppose it's generally true about recovery that there are many times when we look back at earlier stages and realize how clueless we really were at the time. But that's just how grace works.
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Thanks For The Article with pat by: Brent McCay 2-7-2003
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