I went through the steps once and believe I missed a lot the first time.

Now, to pray and ask our Father to show me the next ‘step.’

I have not gone to meetings in a long time. Mostly, I think, because I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. Externally, I fit into the definition of an Alanon … yet internally, I relate more to the addict even though I have never gotten tangled up in the typical forms of addiction that seem clear to all… Alcohol, drugs, etc…

Also, the message I hear at meetings can often be contradictory … and “of course” I struggle with contradiction … especially when it is outside of myself.

There is a part of me that thinks “go to meetings … even when the message is filled with contradiction and work my program … share my experience strength and hope and focus on the things I do have in common with the members rather than the things that I don’t.”

I guess what I want, is to be in a meeting with people who re working a solid program in hopes that I too will work a really solid program … solid meaning a changed life … a changed direction … being in healthy relationship with both God and the people in my life.

Even as I am writing this, I am recognizing that the underlying issue I continue to struggle with is fear.

In tonights meeting,the overriding theme about making amends was that it is “not about the other person” … instead, it is about “me” and how “I” feel and how it will make “me” feel after I make them.

Fear took hold and I began stressing over the things that were being shared.

The struggle within had to do with wanting people to hear the kind of message Piers shares here where it is all about the people we have harmed” and how we may benefit from doing the right thing can be a secondary gift but not the main motivation.

One of the things that I noticed was that in my mind, I began strategizing. In my mind, the focus turned to all of the things that i wished were being said and how I might “share” in a way that would give voice to the message … but being careful to not directly counter what the others were saying.

Yet, what I have learned in my own step work is to deal with my fears through inventory instaed of the old way of thinking that i will feel better if I say something.

Before even putting my pencil to paper for my fear inventory, I am stopped in my tracks as i think of my last column where I ask God to showme what it would mean to know that He is in control and I am not” and I “know” that what each one of the people that sat in that meeting needed from me is to be seen and heard and cared about … which doesn’t include me exposing through “self will” where they are possibly “wrong.”

Hopefully I will go back with a more open and loving heart … remembering that what was most helpful for me was to have people in my life that were working a solid lifechanging program while being very patient with me and where I was …