Women and Sexual Addiction
by Marnie Ferree
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While most people tend to assume that sexual addiction is a problem only for men, the evidence suggests the contrary. Addictions, all addictions, are pretty much equal opportunity diseases. And sexual addiction is no exception. Marnie Ferree is a pioneer in the treatment of female sex and relationship addicts. This article is material taken from a workshop she gave recently in Seattle.Sex is the fastest growing addiction in this country. And it is, I believe, the addiction of choice among Christians. Because of the immediacy, availability and affordability of the Internet, more and more Christians find themselves struggling with sexual addiction. A third of the participants who come to the workshops we do for male sexual addicts are involved in some kind of church ministry. Men who would not be caught dead going into a liquor store, or gambling or using any kind of illegal drugs, can—within the privacy of their own home—be sexually involved with people on the Internet. It is an incredible problem.
I don't know if you have a picture in your mind of what a sexual addict looks like. I would be even more surprised if you had a picture of what a female sexual addict looks like. There are, however, many of us. And all of us must deal with the enormous shame connected with sexual addiction. Today, if someone said in a social setting—even in a Christian social setting—"I'm a recovering alcoholic," I think many people might respond with: "Good for you. You've admitted you have a problem. You're doing something about it. You're getting help." We have an element of respect for someone who admits to being a recovering alcoholic. But if you say, "I'm a recovering sex addict," you will still experience enormous amounts of shame and very little understanding.
There was a time when alcoholism was thought to be only a male problem. Surely women didn't struggle like this. But we know today, of course, that females have about the same incidence of alcoholism as do males. It is probably about the same in the area of sexual addiction. If the shame associated with sexual addiction is great, the shame associated with being a female sex addict is even greater.
Sexual addiction is not, of course, a new problem. I'm not going to suggest that the Apostle Paul was a sex addict. But he certainly understood powerlessness and unmanageability. When you read what he says in Romans 7 about the struggle between the flesh and the desire to do good—this is a man who knew what it was like to feel powerless, a man who kept doing what he did not want to do. That is the essence of all addictions.
Sin or Disease?
I'm asked often, "Is sexual addiction a sin, or is it a disease?" The answer is yes. It is both. Undeniably the kinds of behaviors we are going to be talking about are sinful. The affairs that I was involved in, the great promiscuity that I was involved in before my marriage, these are unquestionably sin. And they are also part of a disease called addiction. Sometimes people come to a Christian pastor or counselor looking for help with sexual addiction and they get an answer like this: "Pray more, go to church more, read your Bible more. Be more committed. Be more [whatever]." I don't want to be misunderstood. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in reading the Bible. I believe in being connected with other Christians and going to church. And I believe in surrendering to Christ. So I'm not minimizing the importance of these things. But these things in and of themselves will not help with the disease of addiction. Believe me, people who struggle with sexual addictions have prayed. They have tried to surrender their will to God. They have tried to get connected at church. And it has not helped. Putting a kind of spiritual Band-Aid on this problem is not going to be helpful. It is going to be harmful, because it will contribute to the hopelessness that people feel. Suppose you tell someone to "just pray more," and they take your advice and pray more, and it doesn't help. Then what? It will add to their despair. And few things are more powerful fuel for addictions than despair.
So what is the solution? Sexual addiction is a multifaceted disease, and it requires a multifaceted solution. There is a physiological aspect to the problem. We know that there is a neurochemical component to sex addiction. The neurochemical changes that happen in your brain when you engage in sexual activity are closely related to the changes that take place in your brain when you take crack cocaine. So there is a physiological, biological base to this addiction. There is also an emotional component to this addiction. The shame that the addicted person feels is overwhelming. There is a mental component. There is a relationship component. And there is a spiritual component. All these components need to be addressed if the addicted person is to experience healing.
Characteristics of Addiction
Let's look at some of the characteristics of sexual addiction. There are four components that make any addiction an addiction. First, there has to be a compulsion. I can't stop. I keep doing what I don't want to do. I'm powerless to stop. You will always hear addicts say, "I know what I'm doing is wrong; I want to stop, but I can't." That was certainly true for me. I was raised in a pastor's home. I went to church all my life. I knew that the affairs I was involved in were wrong. I felt incredible shame about the affairs. I wanted to stop. I had chosen to stop many times. But I could not.
A second key component of any addiction is obsession. It's all I can think about. It's like a blanket that covers me. I'm spending so much time being sexual, recovering from being sexual, figuring out how to hide the fact that I've been sexual, planning my next sexual or relationship encounter. It's like a little bird sitting on your shoulder; it's always, always, always with you. Either as guilt and shame or the planning or the preparation. Some part is always with you.
The third main hallmark of an addiction is continuing in spite of negative consequences. Because of my promiscuity and sexual behaviors I was diagnosed with cervical cancer caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I had three major surgeries within a year. I literally almost died because of massive hemorrhaging resulting from the first surgery. But even that was not enough; I still could not stop. I lost one marriage because of my sexual acting out. I married very young for all kinds of unhealthy reasons. I was unfaithful in that marriage. The truth is that he was happy to get rid of me. And I was happy to get rid of him because he was determined to fix me and I was angry about that. But I still could not stop. I married a second time and had a fairly long period of sobriety—or rather at least a fairly long period of the absence of acting out. But I was not in recovery. When the stresses of life hit again, I returned to acting out. I knew intellectually, This is going to mess up my life. I had been there once before. I'd had one divorce because of this behavior. I can tell that things aren't going well here. They are not going well in our marriage. They are not going well for our children. We had two very young children who were already very angry and impaired by being part of an addicted family. And then the health consequences began to hit. I knew this was not working for me. And yet I could not stop. When we continue in spite of adverse consequences, that is a clear sign of addiction.
The last main characteristic of addiction is tolerance. The idea of tolerance is borrowed from our understanding of chemical dependency. We understand that, for a person who does not usually drink, a glass of wine will make you feel however it makes you feel. Tomorrow a glass of wine will make you feel about the same. And the next day maybe the same. But it won't take very long before that one glass of wine will no longer give you the same kind of feeling that it once did. It might take two glasses, or three. That same phenomenon happens around our sexual activity. There is a tolerance component to the process. Part of the tolerance effect is a purely neurochemical, physiological change in the brain. We are up against our own brain chemistry. That's one aspect of the problem. But we addicts are also often adrenaline junkies. We are in this for the high. So if the high of one kind of behavior isn't enough, then either it will take more and more of that same kind of behavior or it will take going on to other, higher risk behaviors to get the same effect. The disease progresses either to more and more of the same behavior or to higher risk behaviors.
There are other characteristics to all addictions. All addictions lead to an unmanageable life. It is a progressive or degenerative process. Addictions are used to escape feelings. What an addiction does is alter our moods.
Addictions are often fueled by a sense of entitlement. I think about a pastor who is overworked and underpaid. There are so many demands on his life, he's fighting with the deacon board, nobody understands him, and he is not appreciated the way he should be. Eventually he asks himself, Who is meeting my needs? I deserve something. That is a typical way for addicts to think. No one is meeting my needs. I'll just have to do it myself. That's what I mean by entitlement. I deserve this.
Addictions are also often used by addicts as a reward. Sexual addicts experience sex as the answer to everything. If I feel overworked or lonely or sad, sex can make me feel better. If I feel happy and things are wonderful, what's the best way to celebrate? Sex. It's the answer to everything. It can medicate the kind of entitlement, anger and loneliness that we experience or it can serve as a reward.
Finally, addictions, and certainly sexual addiction, can create a feeling of power. This is particularly true for women who are sexually addicted. There is an incredible feeling of power involved. In our culture we learn that a woman's core worth in the world is her sexuality. We use sex to sell everything from cars to dishwashing liquid to carpets. Everything you can imagine. Those cultural messages are very powerful. So particularly for women who are sex addicts there is a big power component at work.
The Link Between Abuse and Addiction
The roots of sexual addiction are often found in childhood abuse—physical, emotional, spiritual or sexual. One out of three women and one out of six men will experience some kind of overt sexual abuse before the age of eighteen.
My susceptibility to sexual addiction is deeply rooted in my experience of childhood abuse and neglect. My mother died when I was three. My father was a pastor whose duties kept him absent from our home a great deal of the time. He spoke somewhere seven nights out of seven for the entirety of my childhood. And I felt very lonely. When I was five a twenty-year-old man, a deacon in the church, came into my life as a substitute father figure. He took me roller-skating every Saturday morning for years. He encouraged my writing. He would read to me and spend an enormous amount of time with me. From the age of five to the age of twenty, when I left my father's home to be married, he abused me sexually. I never thought of it as sexual abuse. He never hurt me physically. He never coerced me physically. He loved me—I thought. I loved him—I knew. We had a relationship.
The level of sexual activity did not escalate to intercourse until I was fifteen years old. Well, by fifteen—remember I was a good preacher's daughter—I knew that was wrong. In my limited understanding I had consented to this relationship with a man who at that time would have been over thirty. The only way I could explain those experiences was, I must be a whore. I know this is wrong. I know I'm not supposed to do it. From the age of five he began to sexualize me, training me to respond to him sexually. But my experience was that it was all my fault. It was only many years later when I was in counseling that I began to see that, of course, it was sexual abuse. Even the nongenital behaviors starting at age five were clearly sexual abuse.
The wounds of sexual abuse are profound. It is my conviction that until we face clearly the wounds of childhood abuse we will not be helpful to sexual addicts whose struggles are rooted in abuse. We know that eighty-one percent of sexual addicts, both men and women, are adult sexual trauma survivors—untreated trauma survivors. It is critical to understand this link between sexually abusive experiences and sexual addiction.
It is also important to emphasize that the experience of abandonment in childhood can be as problematic as the experience of abuse. I have worked with some sex addicts who are not sexual trauma survivors, but I have never worked with a sex addict who is not a survivor of childhood abandonment. After my mother died my father buried his grief in his work addiction. It was this abandonment that set me up for the sexual abuse. Physical abandonment—through death, as in my case, or through the work addiction of a parent, or through divorce—is only one kind of abandonment. Sexual abandonment—the lack of appropriate information and appropriate modeling of sexual closeness—can also cause problems. If parents display no appropriate affection around their children, there is a neglect. I have had many women tell me of the shock of their first menstruation. No one had bothered to tell them basic information about their sexuality. That's sexual abandonment. Spiritual abandonment can also be a factor. We seem to model rules-based spirituality. But many people have never had grace-based spirituality modeled for them in their family. That's a kind of spiritual abandonment. These kinds of experiences give us some very unhealthy core beliefs that, in turn, prepare us for the addictive process.
Let me say something briefly abut the core beliefs of addicts and how they are connected to neglect, abandonment and abuse. The first core belief of sexual addicts is, I am a horrible, terrible person. When we are abandoned or abused, that is what we conclude. I thought, If I had been a better little girl, my mom would not have died. Or, for sure, If I had been a better little girl my dad would have wanted to spend some time with me. If you add on top of this the sexual abuse I experienced, what can a child conclude other than, I am a horrible person.
The second core belief shared by all sexual addicts is, No one will meet my needs. Is it any surprise that a child who experiences abandonment comes to this conclusion? The people that I should be able to trust and depend on are not there for me. The third core belief is this: Sex is my most important need. Again, the connection between sexual abuse and sexual addiction is profound. When we are sexualized at an early age and experience all the confusion around that abuse, we inappropriately sexualize love, touch, nurture and affection. Everything really important in life becomes sexualized. We come to believe that love or relationship is our most important need.
Finally, sex addicts believe this: If you really knew me, you would leave me. There is this front that I present to the world, and maybe it looks really good on the outside, but it's not what is on my inside. If you knew me, you would leave. These core beliefs, often impacting us on an unconscious level, set us up for addictions of all kinds.
Healing from Sex Addiction
There are a number of key ingredients that make recovery possible. I'll discuss just a few.
Fellowship.Fellowship is the antidote to trauma and the key to long-term recovery. We cannot recover in isolation. God made us for fellowship. We were wounded in relationships, and we have to heal in relationships. Fellowship is also the antidote to lust. Healthy fellowship is what will help us become free from lust.
Accountability. It's not enough to just have fellowship. We can have fellowship that does not involve accountability, and that's not going to solve the problem. We need people who know our story and who will hold us accountable for the rituals as well as for the acting out. In my opinion, Twelve Step programs are the best place to find the right mix of fellowship and accountability. When I walk into a Twelve Step group and say, "Hi, my name is Marnie, and I'm a grateful, recovering sexaholic," I am home. I know these people understand. They have been there themselves. And I know that we can provide for each other the fellowship and accountability we need. I won't preach the whole sermon, but I believe that Christ intended churches to operate a whole lot more like Twelve Step groups. They need to be places where it's okay to be real, okay to have problems. Places where you don't have to have all your problems fixed before you feel at home.
Counseling. The Twelve Steps lead us through a methodical process that focuses on our addictive behaviors and on the defects of character that underlie our addictive behaviors. But the Twelve Steps, as wonderful and useful as they are, will not adequately address all the problems of abuse and abandonment that are at the root of sexual addiction. That's not their goal. The goal of Twelve Step programs is sobriety. And sobriety gives us an opportunity to work on the other problems that have led to our addictions or that accompany our addictions.
For example, sexual addicts, in addition to being addicted to sex, are also often depressed. And that's a problem for which counseling and medications can be very helpful. In the Christian community we do not hesitate to treat most medical problems. It bothers me that in the Christian community we so often experience resistance to the treatments and medication that have been shown to be helpful for depression. We don't tell an insulin-dependent diabetic, "Just pray more and you'll feel better. You don't need the insulin." But people who are depressed do hear people say things just like that. Depression is a medical illness. It often requires medication in addition to counseling in order to be helpful. Counseling and medication can play an important part in the recovery process. Sometimes intensive workshops or inpatient programs can also be helpful. For some people an intensive treatment program is essential for recovery, and almost all sex addicts can be helped by having an intensive jump-start to the recovery process.
Courage. Recovery requires courage. It is a difficult journey—and one that is not undertaken lightly or easily. In the Twelve Step community we say that recovery is simple but it is not easy. It will cost a lot. For many of us giving up an addiction feels like death. It is our addiction that has helped us cope with the wounds of abuse and abandonment. When we have no other, healthier coping skills, becoming abstinent from our addictions can be an absolutely terrifying, incredibly painful process. That's another reason why the fellowship and accountability is so important. Without support we will inevitably retreat into "safer" territory.
Grace. The experience of grace is central to the recovery process. I know clearly when I first felt grace. It was when I was in the middle of getting a divorce from my first husband. I was a full-blown sex addict. My life was totally out of control. And it was the first time in my life that I felt suicidal. Some people that I worked with—people that I didn't know well at all—saw my distress. It wasn't really because of the divorce. The real pain and despair I was experiencing came from the shame I experienced from the religious community of my father, the pastor. I was disowned. And shamed. I had sweet church people coming to my home at ten o'clock at night and at seven o'clock in the morning to tell me I was going to hell for divorcing my husband. I was distraught about that as much as I was about anything else. These friends put me in their car and took me to a Christian counselor. I assume that they had arranged this ahead of time, since he was available to see me. They walked me in and introduced me to this man, and then they left. I was not comfortable in that office. I did not want to be there. He said something like, "What can I do for you?" And I unleashed on him a long speech complete with some pretty salty adjectives about what I thought about Christians and what I thought about pastors. I let him have it. I said I didn't care anything about his blankety-blank whatever. But, I said, if you can stop me from killing myself I'll give you ten minutes.
You know what he said? "Okay." Just "Okay." No moralizing. No lectures on right and wrong. Right then I felt grace for the first time in my life. I let this man know just a little about who I really was. At that moment I was a really, really angry person. But he accepted me without judgment. I only met with him a few times; I wasn't ready yet to do the hard work I needed to do. So my life continued in the pattern of acting out for another twelve years after that. But I think he saved my life that day. With a single word he showed me more of the grace of God than I had experienced before. That helped me to believe twelve years later that it just might be possible for a counselor to help me. It helped me to return to that kind of resource when I was ready and able to do so.
When we experience grace, instead of the preoccupation and fantasy that drives the addictive process, we develop a vision for a different kind of life. Part of recovery is recovering a graced vision for our lives. We need a vision of a life of sobriety, a life in recovery. We need to be able to envision a life truly connected to God in a deep spirituality. And to envision ourselves and our families living a healthy life. Instead of the unhealthy rituals that lead to acting out, we need a vision of healthy rituals and disciplines in our lives. Prayer, meditation and Bible study are healthy disciplines. To be a part of a community of faith or a support group is a healthy discipline. These kinds of healthy disciplines can support healthy choices. Instead of despair, we need a vision of joy. That's what recovery is about.
Marnie Ferree offers individual and couples counseling through the Woodmont Hills Counseling Center in Nashville, Tennessee (www.woodmont.org). An audiotape set of the workshop from which this material was taken is available from Prodigals International (www.iprodigals.com).
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I don’t know what to say. It hurts every time I read this info. It is true, and yet I hate the fact that what you write here is true in my life.
I hate this thing, called my life. I hate the fact that I cannot heal this pain of trauma, abuse, abandonment and addiction by my own efforts, and I am so sick of hearing about fellowship and relationships as a way to heal, as these are things that I cannot seem to get in my life even today, though I will keep working to try and get them; yet in my guts I feel that I cannot get nor have these things.
Anyway, I am a male, but your web-page is true even though it is written for females. So thank you for the truth.
Justin
Well, I hate this too and the part about fellowship, well, over a year ago when this addiction really became unmanagable, I confessed in someone I thought I could trust. She went to my pastor and also another Christain friend of mine. I was devastated, totally devastated and honestly, it made things worse for my addiction. So fellowship and trust is not an option for me anymore. I was looked at in shame and judged to the point that it forced me to leave the church i was in for over 10 years. And to make it even worse, I became the object of gossip and false accusations were made. I dont mean to discourage anyone by my own experience but I am desperate at times and I have realized through working a book called the 12 steps a spiritual journey, which is a Christian 12 atep book that my issue is not sex, it is intimacy. It’s just like how and alcoholics issues is not with beer or wine or wiskey but with alcohol, the intimacy is the root of a sex addicts problem and that is where the healing needs to be applied. Anyway, my addiction has escalated to frequent trips to strip clubs as well as internet porn and acting out some of this stuff. I have never had relations in this way with women being a woman myself but that seems to be the hold on me now. I am in and out of depressive states and most days I dont know who i am anymore.
God knows who you are. You are a child of the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords! You are wonderfully and carefully made with His hands. Try not to allow discouragement to overwhelm you with guilt and shame. God wants to heal you and make things right. But you must want that. He will give it to you, He did for me!
What you have written is very true and I thank you for sharing it. Like Justin, I do not like that this is something that is true in my life.
Although I have never had sex, I have an addiction to pornography and masturbating. I am extremely ashamed of this but I feel I have nowhere/no one I can turn to. I do not ever remember being sexual abused as a child, however I most definitely felt abandoned.
I can’t tell my friends. Although many of them are Christians I still feel that they will not be able to look at me the same again, I can’t tell my pastor, he’s male and that would be very awkward, I can’t tell my family as I am not that close with my parents and they will be disgusted by me.
I believe that the church needs to be more like 12 step groups as well. Fact is, the church is lacking these days in what it is supposed to be. The church is lazy.
I am a Christian, and I have tried to overcome this addiction many times. Fact is, I do need other people as well and I’m not sure where to turn when it comes to getting support from others.
I have searched for help groups online, no luck, I can’t turn to my family, I can’t turn to my friends, I can’t turn to the church. I can turn to God but I still feel this has a strain in my relationship with him.
I don’t know what to do.
It is true that every day I think about feeding the addiction, hiding the addiction or overcoming it.
I hate this.
Jane
Jane,
I feel your pain. I am twenty-seven, single, have never had sex and yet…I’ve struggled with masturbation since before I was a teen.
The youngest I recall at having masturbated was eight years old! Granted, I was sexually molested as a child, several times, even worse, by family members that were supposed to protect my childhood and my innocence.
I feel like I never got the chance to be a child, to be innocent…I feel like I’ve always been obsessed with sex since so far back I can’t remember…apparently, I’ve never had a healthy view of sex…or of myself.
I’ve tried to stop, I’ve gone long periods without…but eventually, I fall back into the hole and I dig myself so deep I start feeling like I’m getting buried alive…again.
Even now, as I write this, I think about it…about doing this to myself so I can feel good, so I can feel like I matter…it makes me want to cry.
I have always thought myself strange, abnormal…I think about sex at least forty to fifty minutes out of the hour…or perhaps it would be easier to say every fourth thought in my head is about sex.
What can I do? That has always been my question, my dilemma. What in God’s name can I do to make this stop, to give it up, to become a pure-minded Christian woman with God as her center?
I can’t do anything…only God can….but I won’t let Him.
Why? If I am so disgusted by this gripping aching need for such a deprave thing, how can I not let God do His thing?
I don’t know the answer to that…except perhaps I love my sin as much as I hate it…or perhaps more. Satan has his hooks on me and when I think perhaps I’ve escaped…he digs them deeper next time around.
Accountability is a big thing but you’re right…who do I tell? What can I say and how? I can’t risk them seeing me differently. I finally told my best friend…it wasn’t easy…but I never asked her to hold me accountable…I never really explained how BIG of a problem this is.
Basically, you’re not alone. And if an accountability partner is what you need, I do too.
So let me know…we can hold each other up to God in prayer, we can hold each other accountable to Him and to each other…sort of like a twelve step program.
My name’s Luz, and I’m addicted to masturbation.
I’m addicted to porn too, I haven’t had sex before, but I fell really ashamed about my thoughts, I even could think porn after reading the bible, Please pray for me, I know God loves me, but I always make Him down. It seems very hard.
Dont quit before the miracle and miracles DO happen!
go to dirtygirlsministries for some open sharing
Get numbers! Get numbers get numbers!
You cant do this alone! But with God , YOU CAN!
Im on dirtygirlsministries and there are some GREAT people on there from all over the world!
And in Kansas City MO I know of GREAT groups to go to where all they serve is GRACE!
Hello, Jane and everyone. I feel soo hopeless. Can anybody help me? Or talk to me? I just want someone who understands. I’ve been addicted to lustful thoughts, porn, and masturbation since I was right at the cusp of my teen years. I grew up in a christian home and love the word of God, and love the Lord. But, I struggle with this constantly. I equate sex, masturbation etc to love. Since I happened upon it when my parents were getting a divorce and I was in the middle of the fights. I’ve tried a couple times, praying, crying out to God etc. But I feel like he doesn’t hear me cause I’m constantly compelled to do this… A couple times i’ve gone a few times and thought I was better. Fell off the wagon and hated myself. I feel soo much in despair. I just wanna know does God love/care about me? Am I worthless? Will anyone help me? Thanx soo much 4 a response. God bless.
-desperately wants deliverance
YOU CAN BE FREE. We are made new in Christ.
http://www.femalepornaddicts.wordpress.com
I started this site for girls struggling with this addiction. If you ever need anyone to talk to please email me! We are NOT alone.
-an EX-femalepornaddict
God loves us all -and in Jesus there is a way forward. But we need people, fellowship. I struggle with all kinds of out of control behavoiur but I urge you my brothers and sisters go to your nearest group of CELEBRATE RECOVERY -you will find a great Christian 12 step recovery program adressing all kinds of addiction and dysfunction including sexual addiction and you will find people who care and understand and who will not reject or judge you but who will minister to you the LOve and Mercy and healing of Jesus
Well Im not married and I havent had sex before but I can’t stop from looking at and reading porn for masturbation. This is really hard to admit to myself much less to someone else. I hate looking at it. I feel like im poluting my mind every time I do it but cant seem to stop. I absolutely hate this. What you wrote it very true and I want to stop but it isn’t long before Ive done it again. I also feel like this is a strain on my relationship with God. Like he is very disappointed in me. It makes it hard to spend time with him because I’m ashamed and feel undeserving of God. I don’t know what to do.
Look at these websites:
http://www.loveaddicts.org/laahome.html
http://www.sexaddictionhelp.com
http://www.covenanteyes.com (for your accountability)
Please read these two websites. Get a female counselor who is trained in treating these issues. If you live at home with your parents move the computer out of your room and into the main living area of the home where you have accountability. Put software on your computer that restricts these sites and have someone else set the password for the software. I am praying that God will fill your heart with love for yourself. You are God’s unique creation- a gift. Be gentle to your soul.
Listen everyone:
My name is jon, and my wife and i got married very young, out of high school. I already had my abusive issues before we met, and i let her know them before we got serious with each other, because i thought she should know, and she told me of the abuse she experieced as a child. All sexual. However we pledged to be with each other and got married. We got some what side tracked in our marrige ealier on with some swapping, and other things that obviosly vialated our wedding vows. By our 2nd year of marrige we needed more income and she thought about “dancing” ie. stripping. It was one of the worst ideas i ever agreed to. At first i said no way, but then i broke down lured by the money aspect, and my on lustful thoughts of the advantages. This was all about 11 yrs. ago, we have since then been seperated and back together, and it was only recently (like 3 weeks ago) that she devulged to me that she had to battle her own sexual addiction, that i believed was definetly fueled by the stripping, and alcohol, and the atmosphere along with her past. She told me some very shocking stuff that she obviosly was ashamed about, and must have been very terrified that i would find out about then. I also let her know of the one incident in which i found my self doing the same thing, although for different reasons, but with the same goal in mind. I still love her, and have elected to stay with her, and we are repledging our lives and marrige to each other and God.
Jon: I am praying for you and your wife to find peace within the termoil that has been your lives. Be strong Jon. Do not give in to the temptation. It is self serving and will ultimately destroy you and your family. Do your best to find peace within yourself and guide your wife to do the same. It is only through this peace that you can become whole persons who love God first, your own person second, and THEN each other. Hold tight.
I am reading this articles and these comments and am crying right now!!!! I struggle with masturbation and chat rooms! Masturbation has been a part of my life since forever its a relief from the tension of life. Chat rooms have come in and out of my life once in middle school and later in late high school!!! All I feel is guilt but lately I have felt numb like it doesnt matter anymore… like a habit. I cant tell my parents because my father is dealing with a porn addiction himself and I would add another weight on family problems and most of my friends do wat I do because they dont care, and the few Christian ones I have I am not close enough to share my secrets! I am willing to go to a group but its so embarrassing, because Im looked at as the “The good little christian girl” when im really a hardcore sinner……This feels really good to tell someone this, i never have…as i start my new life in college i want to leave this almost childish behavior behind…Do u no of any teen christian mentoring groups? or internet mentors? I really need help overcoming my “thorn in the flesh”
I came to this page as a woman who struggle with masturbation. I remembered seeing this site recommended by a friend online and decided to check it out. I’ve done everything. Trust me. Well, most everything, minus group sessions and accountability partners. I’m not sure I’m ready for a babysitter, but maybe that’s what I need. I even know why I do it. I’m not exactly certain what I can do that I haven’t already done. Some days I hate myself for it; some days I don’t. I pray, I read, I confess, I talk to people (yes, a therapist included). I want to say that I don’t care anymore, but I know that isn’t true. But right now, that’s how I feel about it. And I’m tired of fighting a battle that I win some days and lose others.
I am also a single Christian woman in her 30s who is struggling with masturbation. I have been on and off for years. it was a habit from the past and it has carried into my Christian life no matter how hard I try to move beyond it.
I am in a place right now where I am very alone. All my friends just got married and have cut me out of their lives, including my best friend and accountability person on this subject. I have not had a relationship ever really. I have been with many men before I gave my life to Christ but it was never a relationship setting.
I am suspecting abuse in childhood though I have no memory of it. I remember knowing about sexual behaviors at way too young an age….. way before my mom ever talked to me about it. I was always trying to look at other girls to make sure I was normal cause I never felt like I was normal. I remember trying to have sex with a boy when I was 10 and he was 12. There was also sexual behaviors between siblings and I, though I really don’t think this was the start. We learned it from somewhere. I can’t believe I am admitting this all except that I am desperate for help. All I want to do is feel normal. I have felt like a freak for as long as I can remember. I feel like that if people knew the truth, I would be shunned from life. I also still feel like I am a little kid, not a 30 year old woman. I act like a kid around adults and have a very hard time being an adult around any type of authority. I fall right back to my shy little kid weak and “cute” voice and behaviors. I hate it! I am starting to see a counselor again. (I saw one last year that was great but she moved)
I guess I would just like to not feel so alone. And not feel so guilty. I feel like I am not a real Christian and God could just shun me forever.
Wow OMG, im just crying.. I was born in a christian family, and i have struggled with masturbation for years too, it just sucks……..im 17 now and i can see how this thing is killing me inside..im doing a course http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com and it has helped me a lot but im still doing it, i feel like i will never be able to stop..
Hey, I just saw this website (2011 now)and your comment really spoke to me in the sense that I we are the same age (19 now) and I was also struggling with this. Now I’m free!! Thanks to God. Dont give up, its not as hard as it seems, you have to realize the spiritual strenght that you have in you: The Holy Spirit!!!! With him living in you, all things are possible! I am open to any questions you might have…my email address is: elianawashington@yahoo.com
I came to this site… I was five when I started masturbating and it was uncontrolable for many years. It is something that will pop up over the years… Now I have been off of work and no school since september. It has come back up about 3 times and I am already going through a hard time with my walk with the Lord. Purity has always been the thing that I cherished most and now I feel nasty and like there is no hope for me to come out of where I am… It just brings nothing but death…
Always the best content from these prgodiious writers.
I just want to say I am so glad this site is out there for women. I am currently involved in a womens group in my church for women involved with men who are sexual addicts. Much to my surprise I have learned that I am a sex addict as well. I have prayed so many days for help and heeling in this area. It is one of the toughest battles I am facing as a Christian. I have Marnie’s book, “No Stones” and it is awesome. I highly reccomend it to everyone struggling with this.
God Bless everyone…
Satan’s biggest lie to me has been, “You are the only one”. I never thought in a million years that a lot of other women would have the same story as I. Some of your stories are spitting images of mine. Learning sexual behavior at a young age but not remembering how or where? Masturbation around the age of 5. Progressing into pornography addiction. Being a single virgin female at the age of 25 never knowing real intimacy with a man. Not having a clue how to fix it or change it. It is very shameful, humiliating, and dirty. For some reason sexual sin seems a great deal worse than any other sin. I also know where it comes from. My mother was an alcoholic, parents divorced when i was 6, she has never been there. Single Father working his butt off to provide for 3 children. It’s a mess. I would love to go to counseling, I am all for it. I cannot afford it. I will have to force myself passed the fear and search for a 12-step around me. I just can’t imagine telling anyone.
Thank you all for sharing your stuff. The baggage we carry isn’t always easy to display for others. It has been very beneficial to me to know that I am not alone. That Satan is truly a great deceiver.
Thank You for Posting this. I am a christian and I was raised in a very disfunctional family, but with a christian mom and grandma. I have always been a leader in the church, many adults have looked to me for advice even being a young pre teen. I realized I have a problem with looking at sexual pictures of women. I finally truely confessed this to my husband and we are working together. I just feel so terrible about this, I really other than my husband cannot talk to anyone. I know if my parents found out I would be disowned and any of my friends would never again trust me and most likely would be removed from my church. I feel hope today while reading all of these posts. I know I can overcome this, I figured though I would take the first step and admit it. Thank You!
i found this article as i was searching online for a Bible study for female sex addicts. There are plenty of studies for men and my church offers a recovery group for men who want to have sexual integrity. I hear speakers and pastors often referring to men and how easily they are tempted because of their biological/psychological makeup, but no one ever addresses women who have the same issue as men. it used to make me mad until i read somewhere that only about 25% of women are wired the same sexually/psychologically as men. i didnt know that. No one addresses us. Whenever I hear a speaker talk about how easily a man is distracted or how a man is visual and what a problem it is, i want to say out loud..”me too! its not just men!” i can hear a song or see an image of a man or even just something masculine and my mind goes there. i dont even need an outside source…my imagination gives me enough on its on. Sex is a backdrop even when doing normal daily activities. ive never been this honest with anyone. i want to live within the boundaries that God sets for sex and relationships. I would love to walk in that with a man who wants the same. Trusting each other. i would like to ask my pastor if they had ever considered offering a study or group for women but i’m embaressed.
It is so encouraging to hear everyone else’s stories. A week ago I picked up Marnie’s book at a conference and realized I had been in denial for way to long that I am a sex addict. I was ashamed just to buy the book for fear of what other people would think. I hid it in my purse and couldn’t wait to read what she had to say. I have prayed for years to hear of another Christian woman who struggled sexually. Most sex stories you hear from women are pre-christian or during a time of “backsliding.” I always end up feeling alone and deeply ashamed that I’m the only one that can’t seem to kick my sex problems. I work for a Christian non-profit, spend time with Jesus everyday and have had sex with 16 people (15 guys & 1 girl). I masturbate on occasion, usually when I think it will help me from not acting out in another way. I am deeply ashamed of my behavior and have found some support from a few close friends. I find myself hating my sexuality and wishing I could just turn it off. After acting out, I hate my body, I hate feeling sexual, and I hate who I have become. And its usually just about the time I start feeling better about it all that the cycle starts over. I am currently seeing a therapist and will soon join a 12 step program. I am really nervous about moving forward in my recovery. There is part of me that wants people to know so other women who are struggling will know they are not alone, but the other part of me is totally scared of telling anyone about it.
If you haven’t read “NO Stones” I highly recommend it and look forward to having it as my companion to healing. It wasn’t until finishing this book that I now have hope to someday have a healthy relationship that includes healthy sexuality. I don’t know what tomorrow holds or what another year will look like, but today I have hope I can actually heal.
I was really encouraged by Marnie’s writing. I’ve been a Christian for years and have been a sex addict even longer, 17 years to be exact. I never felt safe enough to tell what I’ve been straggling with. No one talks about women who are sex addicts in church. It’s sad, really.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was 10 because of my mother’s affair and my father whom I loved only as a little girl can love her daddy, tried to commit suicide, unsuccessfully and a few years later walked out of my life. My mother has always been physically abusive, but after the divorce she became verbally and sexually abusive as well. I started masturbating at the age of 11 and a few years later came across a pornography magazine my mother and her lover left lying around the house. This jump started a hardcore pornography addiction. Thankfully God has delivered me from that when I believed & trusted Jesus. And yet my mind was always preoccupied with violent sexual fantasy and masturbation. Sometimes it’s less, sometimes it’s more,but it never leaves no matter how hard I pray, or ask God for forgiveness, healing and change.
I’ve never had sex, I’m currently single and I feel it’s better for me to stay that way until this awful habit is overcome. I don’t want a man of God the bear the side-effects/consequences of my destructive addiction. And yet there is no healing in view…
I’m going through counselling to deal with all the abandonment and abuse. And I hope that it is a step towards the healing I’ve waiting and pleading God for. I know it’s a step in the right direction, because masturbation has never been about the act of sex as much as it is about wanting to be safe and loved just as I am. Because of my mother I have a very warped view of my sexuality. Marley puts it so well “When we are sexualized at an early age and experience all the confusion around that abuse, we inappropriately sexualize love, touch, nurture and affection. Everything really important in life becomes sexualized. We come to believe that love or relationship is our most important need.”
And that’s exactly it, for me masturbation became a safe place where I can experience some pleasure instead of pain and in a twisted way it’s my desire for affection and intimacy spilling over. And it’s that desire for love attention and intimacy, in my most vulnerable, most painful place that God is going to heal in order to get me out of this rut.
Thank you so much, Marnie, for this article and all others who have been brave and honest enough to post their comments. I am a single Christian woman of 31 years old and have been masturbating since age 7. It is extremely helpful to find out that I am not alone in this battle, that other women deal with the exact same thing. I am amazed by how closely I resemble everything you have described. I was molested at the age of 2, but cannot remember the incidence at all. I only found out about it when I opened up to my parents and told them about my sexual addiction at age 24. They then told me about the sexual abuse. As far as they know it happened only once. Up until then I had often wondered whether I was just a sick sexual freak and tried to find a cause for my addiction. Now I also realize that abandonment was part of my history too. I have been fortunate in that the people I have trusted with my secret, have not judged me. They have loved me and did not leave me, as I feared they would. Opening up and confessing to someone trustworthy is definitely a huge step in the direction of healing. What does not help is denying that it is a problem, numbing myself so that I don’t feel guilty all the time, trying to believe that masturbating is not an addiction but just a normal thing and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it and believing that nothing can be done anyway. I am sure my finding this website is going to be another huge step in the right direction. I am determine to read your book. I also feel far from God and unworthy of His love and relationship and like my sexual addiction will taint Him somehow, but finding this site proves that He has not given up on me yet! I believe He wants us to heal and He will not leave us.
I am a 24 years old girl and I feel like crab today.After reading all the stories above I feel I can honestly say “Hi everyone,I am Brenda,I am a sex addict”.I am a christian woman deeply in love with Jesus but I cant help wanting to be touched or loved by men.I have slept with more men than I can remember,masturbated,consumed more porn than my mind can handle.I have always felt like maybe i was cursed because as far as I can remember,my dad was very promiscuous and since many people say i resemble him,i always told myself i was cursed or i got it from dad.The worst part is that i dont have anyone i can really trust because I am so scared of rejection.My family looks up to me so much that I am always used as the example for my siblings or the ideal child such that no one ever really knows my own struggles and fears thus I really cant tell my parents about it.I have just moved to a new country for studies and in 4 months i have slept with 2 men already.I can’t even tell my friends because I dont know them so well and thus i fear they will reject me too.The more i try to hide it ,the more i fall into deeper and even more outrageous aspects of sex.Like this morning I had anal sex for my first time because of the images i have fed my mind with from porn.I feel like i am drowning and no one around me seems to notice.I came back and saw this website and after reading all the testimonies,i know I am not alone but where do i start?I am soo ashamed to pray.I even missed church last week because of guilt such that while other people were in church i was having sex.HELP!!!I have made up my mind to stop,prayed about it,studied about it,BUT all to no avail.What can I do??
Hi sisters, i have been struggling with porn, masturbation and erotica for many many too many years i have told one person in church but she could not really help. please please pray for healing from this. i also went through abandonment when i was little my parents had a business to run so they asked other people to look after me, but they forced me to look at sex activities on the tv eventhough i did not want to. please pray for me thanks bless
Hello so after reading everyone’s comments on here, i felt the urge to share mine. My story is forever long but i’ll try to keep it short and simple. I come from a baptist family, my dad was a pastor and a missionary. I have three other sisters and they are doing so well…constantly am campared to them. I’m the “black sheep” i’m a single mom (26yrs old). Growing up i was so innocent and loved the Lord, i was homeschooled all through my child hood and i loved living overseas (it was home). When we moved back my first experience of abandonement was my sophmore year in highschool. We had moved back to the states after living overseas for 10 yrs, my parents couldn’t afford to keep homeschooling me so my sophomore year i was forced to go to a public school. It was huge 2000 students and i never will forget how alone i felt. That was when self-esteem issues, abanonment and isolation took place, as well as trust issues developed. Since then I’ve dealt with clinical depression, anxiety, eating disorders, people pleasing, abandonemnt from my dad especially, and still struggling today with sex. Just last week i had slept with two guys….and it wasn’t inentional, but after hanging out with them I gave in…it’s just tough. Everytime i do it again i beat myself up for it, cry out to GOd to help me and pray that He will, but then again i find myself continually messing up…and I don’t trust anyone except for certain people who ironically don’t have anything to do with church or GOd. They are the one’s I feel as though i can open up to and trust. It’s the people in church and my family that i can’t share with anyomore. I have been the victim of faulse accusations and judgement not to mention gossip. And it is from that, that i’m more hurt now than i ever have been before, and more distanced from people like that
Hello ladies, well my story isnt as upbeat and hopeful as yours have been. I can honestly say that I believe it’s over for me, I can’t see that bright light, cant see me overcoming. Over the years my addictions have gotten worse, they started from viewing pornographic pictures , and movies, to fantasizing, and readint erotica, now they’ve escalated to me being interactive, I masturbate, I have sex(sometimes alone), I even go to sex chats now. I am a mess, I’m broken, I’ve prayed so hard, cryed so desperatley and tried almost all I could think of to get help. The saddest part of all of this is feeling like God depises you, ignoring you even. All of us share a common bond, and it’s not our addictions, it’s that fact that we want to STOP,we’ve cried our souls out to God to no avail, told people whom we thought could help, and tried to quit so many times that it hurts to think about. So where does that leave us?, are we doomed? Does God not care of our suffering, the guilt , the shame?, Why wont he take it away?I’m tired of caring, of trying, of thinking..Good luck ladies….Let me know when you find that light, cause I could sure use it …..
Dear Ladies, as a sexually addicted christian man & being single, I can relate to your problems from a males perspective. I do not physically fornicate or masturbate anymore. But I find myself desiring an intimate relationship with a female. I belong to a Celebrate Recovery group for sexual addictions and have many men I can call or share with. I have trouble concentrating on God’s will in my life when these lustful passions consume me. I start having fantasies and I feel powerless. I thank this site for allowing me to understand that even some christian women want it as bad as I do! God help us all through the Blood of His Son, Jesus, I pray. Sincerely, Richard
Hey Richard, my heart goes out to you, I know your pain…I don’t understand God’s plan, and or his will..but strangely I have a newfound hope.. God gives us over to the desires of our hearts, so what should that tell us about our hearts?, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m starting to see something I had never noticed, i thought I wanted so bad to stop this ..all of it, but now I realize I’ve only desired it more than anything, even a relationship with God… I feel ashamed right now, cause I have an answer to my prayer..It won’t be easy, but I think we have free will for a reason..Search your hearts..what do you truly desire?, how good does it make you feel?..At the end of the day it won’t be lust, cause it’s fleeting and we’ll only always be left as empty and hurt as before..Im not crying out for help anymore, God has already given us our answer, he gives us over to the desires of our hearts..and all I desire now is him, his love, his peace..God bless to you all..
Dear Broken, I like your username. I need to be more broken. I recently have been blessed by being exposed to a new ministry. Talk the walk. It basically is an evangelistic ministry. You train & then practice this ministry on anyone. WWJD. What DID Jesus Do? First we must ask God to give us more compassion for the lost. Over 170 thousand people a day are dying, many who are going to hell. He went out and just befriended people. Talking about the news, the weather or anything to gain common ground. 4 basic questions. Start with yourself. 1- W- Would you believe you are a good person? 2-D- Do you think you have kept the 10 commandments? 3-J- Judgement: Will you be found innocent or guilty? D-4- Destiny: Would you go to Heaven or Hell? There are many scriptures to memorize, to help people realize that we are all sinners and need a savior to have a relationship with God. I recently went to where I love to go & where I am confronted by my lust issues. Prayed up, I asked God if he could use me to witness, put someone in front of me that I know needs help. 2 young gorgeous ladies in bikinis stretched out their towels 10 ft in front of me. They were with a young man. They started getting a little too friendly with each other & I looked around and there were families with children in view. I knew God wanted me to confront them. The man finally left and I went over and told the girls that I felt affended by what they were doing in pubic. They appeared to apologized & said they woudn’t do it again. 10 minutes later the ladies started making out on the blankets!Young men were walking down the beach and some would be attracted by this, and come over and talk to them. Later in the day after numerous men came by, the original man came back. I confronted them and told them I believed God had put them in front of me to help them & I witnessed to them. In the middle of witnessing, one of the ladies asked me if I came to the ocean alone?! I believe she was propositioning me! Anyway, I believe these two girls were too consumed by lust to pay attention to me long enough to get convicted of what they were doing. While they would be distracted by other men, I witnessed to the young man. He said he believed he would go to hell if he died but was not ready to repent. He accepted a tract and promised to give the young ladies tracts I left for them. Now I personally understand what scripture says when it talks about he becomes strong through our weakness. As sex addicts, we cannot fix ourselves. But who is better equipped to help a sex addict, than someone who knows personally what they are going through. It is a win-win situation. God helps you as he helps others through you. I had the best time of my life at the beach and found other christian ministries there to strengthen my faith in Christ. Sincerely, Richard.
After reading the previous courageous Soldiers for Christ comments, I felt I had to tell my story. Tonight I finally realized that I am addicted to sex. After going online and do video sexing with various men and exposing myself to them as they did the same to me, it really hit home. I am a 35 year old female and I have never had sex, but I am addicted to porn and masturbation.
I become a Christian when I was a teen even while I was still masturbating every day. I have had months and years without any thought or wanting, but then something tragic would happen in my life and I was right back at it. Most recently my mother pasted away suddenly in my arms. Although I have had heartache and tribulations in my life and have always turned to God through his son Jesus Christ to get me through it, I became an emotional wreck after my mother dying. That made way for the sin, plain and simple. I have such clarity at this very moment as I write this and the Holy Spirit is working in me at this very moment. I know that our God is a loving and forgiving God. I know people who have been crack addicts for 30 years, killed kids when they are a kid, gang raped women for fun, and violently beat up folks. Even those folks have given it all up to God and have been forgiven through the BLOOD of Jesus Christ, my first and true love.
As soon as I finishes writing this, I am falling to me knees and surrendering it all to God Almighty. I, you, no one can do this without God. Friends, family, church, support groups, counselor are great and I know helpful. But without God nothing is possible. Oh my heavenly Father, I pray for everyone on this site, those who are reading, and any all who are suffering from the addiction of sex. Free each and everyone of us from our sins most heavenly father. Give us the strength to shun the very appearance of evil. Deliver us to your tabernacle and clean us as white as snow through your wonderful son and our Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you God of second, third, fourth, 20th chances. Praise and glorify him for ever and ever!!
You are all really brave telling the world your stories. I was also struggling with this, masturbation and occasional porn. Now I’m free!! Thanks to God. Dont give up, its not as hard as it seems, you have to realize the spiritual strenght you have in you: The Holy Spirit!!!! With him living in you, all things are possible! The devil is A LIAR and feeds us with all sorts of crap. He wants us to constantly feel guilty, alone, DISCOURAGED(his greatest weapon) and abandonned…when we actually arent! Jesus is with us, even though you feel dirty after doing all those things, God loves you. One day you will be free…Keep God’s Word in your heart, believe in it with all your heart and you will understand how much power you have over those forces. No matter what the devil is telling you about yourself, just know that God Loves You and He Will Never Abandon You!!! 2 Peter 3: 9 and 15 really spoke to me when I started realizing all the Love God had for me: “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. ” and “Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation” (NIV)
I was sexually abused at 4 by a cousin, until I turned 7 (we moved.) Since then, I’ve been addicted to masturbation. But this year (I’m almost 20) God really touched my life. I am even amazed by this new authorithy I have over those urges.
In the Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, We Are Healed! The devil once again failed in our lives!
I am needing major help. I am a married women who is into porn. I am not always doing it, but lately I have been caving in. I have a sex addicted husband who has talked sexually to many women, including old friends from high school online. I know he still does it and sence then I have been going back to porn. I first started watching porn when I walked in on my sisters watching a video they found of my brothers. They just watched it and then my brothers burned it when they found out they saw it. But anyways my husband knows I liked looking at it when I was a child but he doesn’t know I still do ever so often. I am a christian that loves God soo much but all my life the devil as tempted me and I feel like I am trying to fight a losing battle. The problem is, is when I ask God for help I go back to doing this. Even when I know its wrong and discusting I just do it anyways. I think I just want to feel really loved. I am overweight, even more so since I had my beautiful daughter. I feel uterly ashamed of myself. I want to stop but its so easy. I have to have the computer for my schooling. I thought the internet was bad for my husband but now it is for both of us. I guess I started doing this when life gets really stressful, since I grew up in a very rough life I just think I carried the pain with me. I know God is ashamed of me and all. I was a virgin up until a year before I got married. I did not lose it to my husband. I always prayed for a Godly husband but I met my husband online and he said everything to make me feel safe since my life wasn’t and in the end I took the bait and now I know he was not the one I was intended to be with. I feel like I have been punished for the wrong I did,but I know I am not, I just made a lot of stupid mistakes. I know God forgives me and all when I ask for forgiveness, but that doesn’t change when I start dreaming of the mistakes I mad with those other guys. I feel un wothy of God’s love. My marriage is falling apart, but yet I do love him, he treats me great except doing what he does online. He is not abusive or aggressive just very pushy with sex. If I am not in the mood he finds it somewhere else. I love sex too but I could actually live without it, I just can’t get my mind out of the gutter. I don’t want my screwed up life to rub off on my little ange. I feel so ashamed as a mother to such a wonderful daughter. She make s me so happy. I sometimes say I could do this parenting on my own since I basically do, but my husband is the only one who works and his family would make sure I never get my daughter. I don’t want to leave him in someways but in other ways I want to be happy. I want God to be in my life again without all theses worries, and I want my daughter to not grow up knowing what her daddy does and what her mother does. I can live without the porn but its the real love, romance I crave that my husband doesn’t give. His way of romance is talking nasty to me. I feel sooo discusted and dirty then. He talks to me the way he talks to the girls online. I need help. I feel like I an on a dead end road. We haven’t gone to church in about six weeks, and haven’t read the bible that much. I feel too ashamed to read the bible and pray when I feel like I will just mess up again. I just know all of this has to do with our marriage problems, our finances, and happiness. What can I do. I don’t want this to be in my life no more. I want to focus on God, my daughter, and my schooling. I am afraid to get a divorce because I don’t believe in it and because my husband is great except for his addiction. What can we do without exploiting all this to family and friends.
Thank you for speaking up about this topic. I am 24 years old and I struggled with pornography in the past, I was addicted to it. It’s been awhile, but whenever I go back to it I feel horrible. I’m a newlywed and my husband and I understand each other because it is something we both struggled with. Pornography is something that you will struggle with for the rest of your life. It is something that you must guard your heart daily from. Well, I’m not proud to say it…but I went back to it. Not for good, just for a day or two. I know I have to tell my husband. Honestly, I don’t want to tell him because I know it will hurt him. Reading this encouraged me. Thank you for that. This subject is not something that you can just tell anyone about, they might not understand. And let’s face it, it’s not something to be proud of.
Pornography is a massive problem in the church, and our refusal to repent and deal with it is making it even worse. I was addicted to porn from the early 90s until around 2008; the Lord had to break my stubborn will, pride, and tear down my excuses in trying to justify it.
I believe as a church, our time is rapidly running out–persecution has already begun, and is getting worse on a daily basis.
I am a 43 year old wife of 25 years and a mother of 3 wonderful children. I and my husband are professionals in our community with a strong family. I am passionate for Jesus Christ and want to live totally for Him but i have been batteling sex addiction on and off since i was 11 or 12. I would like to talk to another woman who has been in the same or is in the same place and can just TALK to me. I do not want to talk to someone who has not been there. I do not want to talk to someone who does not LOVE Jesus Christ. I do know my bible but I can not seem to totally get past this problem.
Hi, my name is debra and i’m struggling with sexual addiction..primarily with homosexuality. Even typing this i feel ashamed. I would like to feel like i’m a christian but, the way i’m living i have no right to call myself one. I was molested by my father and fathers friend at a young age. I.m sitting on the edge of my bed right now feeling guilty…after a night of masterbation and porn and horrific nightmares. I feel like i’ve displaced my anger towards my earthly father towards my heavenly father. Truly, i knew, i could have died many times and God spared me. He hasnt done anything but, love me, I know that i’ve dissapointed him. I had a dream last nite that i would die. I know i deserve it. I suppose, i’m writing this as a confession and because, i need help. I cannot do this alone.
I cannot begin to express how relieved I am to read everyone else’s stories here that are similar to my own. I have constantly believed I was alone and I feel so much relief knowing that I’m not fighting alone. I’ve been masturbating since I was 7 and I’ve struggle with pornography off and on for 10 years. I can’t remember being sexually abused, but I was tormented by rape nightmares as a child before I even knew what sex was. I don’t really want to open that up either, I just want to move on. I’m 31 now, single and never had sex or been in a relationship and I’m so afraid that I’ll never be worthy of a good christian man to love. I’m encouraged that this is not an uncommon struggle and that others have found freedom. Thanks for writing this article and thanks to everyone for sharing their story.
Reading so many of these posts from the original to the most current has me feeling like I am not alone. I am saved been since the age of 17, but have had my spiritual struggles.Now 37 I have 4 children unmarried. In all these years with so many other sinful hurdles I have incurred. The last 9 mos to a year it has been masturbation. I have stopped for short periods of time feeling the ultimate shame and then relapsing. I can’t take it anymore the physical daily urges are to much to bare. I keep praying begging GOD /JESUS to make it stop deliver me please. I have had dealt with emotional,sexual abuse as a kid. But God healed me from that, but why won’t this leave me alone?. I know it’s wrong, it’s sinful. I have turned to it. I am sick just even talking about it. I can’t talk to anyone friends in or out of church. I keep hearing God delivers, he heals. Just ask, well I have been asking and asking and asking and ASKING. Why is he ignoring me?. My heart breaks and hurts b/c I keep wondering how much longer ?